Reflecting on my day

I’m feeling a lot of things right now. Mainly I’m frustrated, and a little, well, maybe a little more, upset.

Starting out with the superficial stuff (and likely, ending with it to, with a little more in between).

I’m discouraged by calculus, it’s tiring to do the same problem over and over and not get anywhere or learn from any of my mistakes. It’s also frustrating that I’m having even more difficulty finding help.

A team is next. I got an email asking anyone interesting in trying out next year to reply and set up a time to apply/interview/etc. I replied expressing my interest and received a reply back with some questions for me to answer because in-person interviews were too difficult to set up. As I read the questions, I may have taken them too personally, but whatever I did or didn’t do, I was a little hurt and a little offended. The first question asked about my other commitments, (of which I admittedly have more than my fair share). A fair and standard question. What hurt me was the note at the end expressing concern that in particular I tend to over commit myself and may not be able to handle another commitment. Secondly, when I replied I specified that I prefer working with the more advanced team than the entry-level team, but was met with the reply that someone else had priority due to past experience. I understand one hundred percent that the other person has more experience and would be a more than qualified coach, but I’m hurt by the fact that I was deemed second-rate and unable to budget my own time. I went through a similar situation this past year for the captain position. I was approached by the advisor and strongly urged to consider trying out for captain, and decided to take a chance and go for it. Again, the other person was well qualified and would do a great job, but I still felt like I had something to offer. I was not chosen as captain, and I was disappointed, but not losing any sleep over it. What bothered me more than the fact that I didn’t make captain was the fact that I felt like the person who ultimately was captain had been chosen long before I was even considered. I was given a false sense of hope then, and I feel like I’m being given that same false hope again. I have been told repeatedly that nothing is definite. Except it is. Or at least might as well be. He has priority, as he should, but that doesn’t mean no one else should be considered in addition. Why ask me to try out when you don’t really want me to in the first place?

Then there’s English. We have this visual rhetoric/social commentary project we’re doing. The project’s changed format more than enough times, and it’s nothing like any of us had originally planned, but it’s decent. It’s inspired by the picture above – ‘indifferent’ by Dave Nitsche. My group shot a similar picture so technically the entire project is our own work and we’ve been asking for feedback and reactions to the picture’s message. Some people couldn’t have been more right. At least, they couldn’t have been more in line with what I perceive to be the message. And others are farther then left field. Every time I look at that picture I get chills and a part of me chokes back tears. It’s a horrible, horrible thought, but one that needs to be shared. It’s awful to think of a crowd watching someone, staring at them face down in their own blood with pure apathy. It’s an extreme depiction, but we do it all the time. I do it all the time. I see people suffering and I let them suffer. I glance at their pain and in a blink move on. I continue on with my own life concerning myself with my own business and my own well-being. Leaving them to suffer alone, half-heartedly hoping someone else stops to help. No one should ever be alone. A friend once said indifference is worse than hate. I finally understand what he meant. Indifference is easy, but what is easy is rarely what is right.