Resent

I feel so trapped, so scared, enraged, jealous, depressed, frustrated, worn-out, forgotten, pushed aside, out of control. I don't feel like I can tell anyone what's really going on. It's not even that I don't trust people, I don't really know why I feel like I can't tell anyone. I'm terrified that they would not only judge me, but literally shun me. I can't tell. I literally cannot. It's not like I don't want to. I want to cry out more than anything right now. But I can't. I thought it'd come so far. Things were going well. I blame him. I wholeheartedly resent him. I resent that he's alive and dandy, when I feel like I'm dying a never ending death every day, over again, just to wake up and realize that sadly it wasn't a dream. I resent that he has controlled and shaped and dictated my life, while blissfully carrying on with his own. I resent him with the deepest part of my being. And I resent myself for feeling everything I just said.

Another Update on "Guilty Pleasure"

I've slipped up a couple of times in the past week, but as a whole, I'm still doing alright.
It's still hard, especially when I hear people around me saying things like "If you have good reasons and can still sleep at night, then, you know, go ahead and break the rules", "I don't follow the rules". I am determined to have more self discipline and respect for others than these people.

I never in my life thought I'd quote Miley Cyrus...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments thatI'm going to remember most

Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

I call it "Life". abstract? (sometimes I wish)

DLKSGJ APWEU8HP983Y326841079$%^&**& FJoihwpe g#qhr#& tgofyvbdsvuwea oiupuigECIULDSBlLHFlhdsf lkjhsHHHHFH DSLIUFHSOIPELUFfails fpah gfn :FID yp*n888np(pmgfwe)f iopw439TU7C RNQPWHIMUFIoiasdyfoe GUR GHAP*&FP HUSE PMFU%^&*hsda suhfaoO*PF&NSAOOHG8PpeH FPWAUHARLGUAIRGYP8R u(p*3WQ 7R^*%(*t rfywebj iqr#p*yrpnguhbfepw* jakfgewiygfoew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, that about sums it up.

Update on "Guilty Pleasure"

I'm still struggling with this complex I've got, but then again, it's not like I'm expecting it to be easily fixed. I'm making progress. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and resisted thus far. If you know of anything that applies to what I'm talking about, please continue to hold me accountable (my self-discipline's currently M.I.A.). I'm learning and growing. It's good for me in the long run, but it's frustraitng in the mean time.

I have too much I want to blog about, so I'll just make a list instead

Life is good.

And the more I think about how good it is, the better it gets! :)

I'm lovin' the weather

Heard the calc test is easy

I like my APEL book

He still has potential

My small group is awesome

Can't wait for Africa

Cutting my hair soon

Love my new puppy rifiki

Photography is one of the best things I've ever discovered

My friends are the best

I feel renewed, encouraged, grateful, happy, and ready to take on the world!

Reality

I live in such a protected and warped reality. In my world, I have three square meals a day, supportive parents, the best friends I could ask for, a warm bed, a first-rate education, the opportunity to travel the world; I can't imagine a life more plentiful and blessed than mine.

Today I met a sixteen-year-old boy that dropped out of high school to stand on a street corner near a freeway overpass with his brother and father, hoping to find work so they can eat. He doesn't know where his mother is, he doesn't have time to hang out with friends, he sleeps under bridges and bushes, trying to keep warm; and he very well may for the rest of his life.

Forever

She'd know what to do, what to say.
She'd comfort me.
She'd hug me, and I'd know it'd be okay
She'd make me smile
She'd be here for me
She'd listen
She'd care
But she's gone.
Forever.
Damn forever.

Dear God,

Why?

Dr. House

I was googling pictures in search of some inspiration for my photo project, and at some point wound up searching pictures for House (Hugh Laurie). I think I know what I'm going to do for my portfolio next year.

A little disappointed

I had a feeling. I heard a rumor. I saw them today. He's definately into her.

Guilty Pleasure

The other day my history teacher made some comment, I vaguely remember it was about fighter pilots and how they think rule's don't apply to them, but how that's what makes them good fighter pilots.

The more I thought about it over the next few days the more I realized how often I do the exact same thing, I think the rules don't apply to me. A part of me is ashamed, because I really don't mean it to malicious or egotistical, but that's just me trying to rationalize it. I tell myself that as long as I have good intentions and logial reasoning, it's okay. But it's not. There are tons of other people in my shoes in one way or another, are they above the rules? No, and I'm foolish to think I'm any different. But the other part of me likes it. I like the perks. I like getting what I want. I like doing what I feel like doing. It's nice to live as if I'm above the rules. In many areas of my life, I ignore them completely. I'm torn between the guilt and the pleasure of doing what I do. I've got a lot of soul-searching to do.

HAHAHA

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked cancer so hard he gave it AIDS.

Whenever Chuck Norris' wife asks him nicely to do the dishes he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.

If the axiom, "You are what you eat" is true, then Chuck Norris is a combination of monster truck tires, Godzilla, and magma from the earth's most active volcanoes.

Chuck Norris can speak braille.

As a child, Chuck Norris enjoyed long walks on the beach, particularly Iwo Jima and Normandy.

When Chuck Norris wants a salad, he eats a vegetarian.

Kindness

I'll expand on this later. For now, check out the videos :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qaHmiFaX_pk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vr3x_RRJdd4

Mah Weekend

I worked out my schedule for next year. BIG relief.

Practice was pretty lame on Friday. I need to step up my commitment, or lackthereof. No pain, no gain. I need to be more dedicated and willing to work if I want to win. The Banquet was fun, I hung out with Stanley most of the time. He's such a good friend. We shot pictures of the boy's volleyball practice for Iliad afterwards. Talked with the janitors a little. Hilarious as usual.

The medical clinic was indescribable. Literally. Words aren't good enough.

I still can't believe I'm going to Africa. As much as I talk about it and think about it, I still can't comprehend that I'm physically going to be there in less than three months.

I am so lucky.

I biked to church this morning. I was late. Life goes on.

I went hiking with Emilee today and had a ton of fun. Friends are amazing. Nature is amazing. Friends and nature together = awesome.

And I just took procrastination to a new level. It's gonna be a late night.

Oh, and my parents adopted two dogs while I was out on Saturday. Random? Um, yeah! But I'm in LOVE with one of them. He reminds me of Jack. I named him Rafiki. (Fiki for short)

Life is good.

Screw addiction and denial.

Brick Walls

"The brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough."

I want it.

Badly.

But do I want it badly enough?

It's not a lukewarm commitment. It's not something I can pick and choose.

It's an all-or-nothing.

But the wall is so high...

So -- I gave up negativity for lent.

I know it's a little, uh, different, but (unfortunately) it's something that going without would be a sacrifice. It's like a guilty pleasure in some ways, but I'm already realizing how much better I am without it. I've been really positive lately, and I'm noticing that I'm generally less stressed and more fun to be around. Not to mention happier. :)

Woah! I just googled images for 'lent', I didn't know people drew on their foreheads with ashes. To be honest, I really don't know the significance of Ash Wednesday. I'll work on that. Just thought I'd share the excitement that I'm talking about being positive and here people are painting (crosses?) in their foreheads.

Your friend

I had a really nice talk with an old friend today. If you're reading this -- it was nice talking to you, we should do it more often. :)

-- your friend

So far so good

"And I don't want the world to see me, cause I don't think they'd understand"

That is the old me. I'm letting go. Because I'm learning. Slowly. I'm learning that it's okay. So I'm still a little scared. And no, not everyone will understand. But that doesn't mean I should hide and run from the possibility that somewhere out there someone does. I'm getting there. I've still got a ways to go. But I've made it this far. And so far, so good.