Proactive

I've always believed very strongly that there is a time for everything.
And I believe very strongly that now is my time to suck it up and get my ass in gear.

I am going to be:

proactive, creative, poised, direct, goofy, uplifting, spontaneous, bold, daring, fun, random, dependable, loving, and so much more

Most people would consider it vain for me to want people to envy me, but I do.

But first I want to be someone worthy of envy.
I want people to envy me so they can turn that envy into action, and motivation to better themselves the way I'm trying to better myself.
So then I can envy them.
And let my envy remind me to never stop trying to make myself a better person.

Baja

Applying to be a group leader is literally in the top 5 best decisions of my life.

I love my baja family. Each and every one of you means the world to me, and I couldn't have asked for a better group.

"so excited" doesn't begin to do it justice.

Life is what you make it.
Happiness is a choice.

wanted: stupid shit friend

Ever since one of my friends went to college there has been a "stupid shit friend" void in my life. Having realized this problem, I am now in search of a "stupid shit friend" closer to home. Because, as teenagers, sometimes we're just supposed to do stupid shit.

- likes good music
- listens to said muisc loudly
- drives fast on windy roads
- doesn't care about curfew
- sober
- shows up at my house at ungodly hours
- loves going places but having no idea where they are
- willing to add five or six or seven people to an adventure
- takes weird pictures
- likes dangerous outdoorsy stuff
- appreciates late-night in n out runs
- considers "the beach" and "mexico" to be the same as "tomayyyto" and "tomahhhto"

Let me know if you're interested.

Baby Steps

Driving home today "Give Peace a Chance" came on.
I turned up the stereo and we sang.

Love

I'm in love with the idea of you.

What I needed to hear

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

It's okay

You don't have to be perfect.
You don't have to get straight A's.
You don't have to commit to things you don't like.
You don't have to have incredible taste in music.
You don't have to prove your photography to other people.
You don't have to explain yourself.
You don't have to change who you are.
You don't have to figure out your friends problems.
You don't have to be someone you're not.
You don't have to play an instrument.
You don't have to neglect yourself for the sake of others.
You don't have to answer his questions.

Be selfish.
For once in your damn life, do what's right for YOU.

2 am

I'm here for you guys.
I'm here for you.
I'm here for you.

No matter what.

Because that's what family does.

Flashbacks

You don't know how much what you said hurt me.
I know you didn't mean it to be hurtful.
So I cracked a fake smile and forced some laughter.
When really I felt like my heart was suffocating.
The way it used to.

But the past is the past.
That incident.
And the many before it.
I think I understand why.
You reminded me not to go back.

I need to sleep more

Goodness today was a stressful day.
But I was okay.

You're right.
It is easy to stay positive just a little longer.

Goodnight :)

P.S. You're alienating me and it hurts. I'm glad you three are friends, but I can't pretend I'm not jealous.

P.P.S. Don't be afraid to let people in. You've been hurt, but you can't hide forever. Weren't you the one who said you need the shadows to appreciate the light?

P.P.P.S. I hope everything works out.

for real this time

goodnight.

Friends

You know how sometimes you hear about people or meet them once or twice and something inside you says "I want to be their friend."? You barely know them, but something draws you in. You just can't help but want to get to know them.

You don't know it yet, but we're going to be good friends.
:)

Hear the Music

"... and those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music." - Nietzsche

Hardest Decision of My Life

Please forgive me.
It's because I love you.

I've got a feeling

This is going to be quite the learning experience.
(P.S. -- God has the most fantastic sense of humor EVER!)

Whatever "it" is

It's interesting.

And scary, and awkward, and uncomfortable, and difficult.
But it's also fun and new, and intriguing, and happy.

You're the kick in the ass I needed.

If you judge people, you have no time to love them.

Okay, so you know I'm in PC, and you know that PC has ethics. And if you know those two things you also probably know that not all PC's follow all of the ethics all of the time.

The Ethics are:
1. have unconditional positive regard for everyone
2. respect confidentiality
3. refrain from giving advice (don't tell someone you're couseling what to do, help them figure out what they feel is right)
4. know when to refer out
5. extend ourselves and follow up with each contact
6. attempt to model peaceful and nonviolent behavior at all times
7. strive to maintain a healthy lifestyle and a healthy self-concept
8. Obey all laws and school rules

There is a lot of debate amoung PC's as to what consequences we ought to face when we violate the ethics. Many people focus on the fact that there are PC's who drink and/or do drugs. I have never experimented with drugs or alcolhol, and I don't intend to anytime soon. But there have been many, many times that I have either come close to breaking or have broken the other ethics. I do not have unconditional positive regard for every single person I meet all the time. I have broken laws and other rules. I have failed to follow up with contacts.

I feel like these violations really stop us from reaching our full potential.
Think about it.
#2...How can someone trust us if we don't respect their privacy?
#4...How can we help when we don't know the limits of our own abilities?
#5...How can we counsel someone we don't keep in contanct with?

I feel like we condone ethics violations. We sweep them under a rug and pretend they're not there.

Okay, so what should we do instead? A zero-tolerance policy?
If we had a zero-tolerance policy, we would have no PCs.

The purpose of PC is to reach out to everyone at our school, right?

“Everyone” includes people who drink. Different PC’s ‘reach’ different groups, and if we really want to reach everyone, we need PC’s in that group. If we want to help people at our school deal with issues like alcoholism, we need to be able to reach them. Kicking people out of PC for drinking is only going to push the issue further out of our reach.

In all honesty, I don't think it is the end of the world if high schoolers drink. But I do feel as though it is insincere and disrespectful of PCs to knowingly and habitually break the ethics, whether they do so by drinking or not.

What makes it so hard is the fact that I know I’ve rethought many of my decisions and avoided temptation to break the ethics many, many times yet I watch others slip up and ruin the reputation for us all, consequence free. I also know I cannot hold everyone to the same standard that I hold myself because we are all different people, but sometimes I feel like they really aren’t trying to adhere to the ethics.

Do I respect ethics violations? No.
But I do believe that good people can make poor decisions. And I think they still have a lot to offer the group and our school.

We all have our struggles. Don’t single someone out because theirs is alcohol.

Drinking is a serious problem, but it is not the only one. An ethics violation is an ethics violation and we’re all guilty of them.

It's a confusing mess, and it's going to stay that way unless we stop pointing fingers, take responsibility for our actions, hold ourselves and others accountable, and address the real issues instead of looking for reasons to blame.

How can we expect to be an effective group when we're so divided?

To those of you who drink: consider your actions and their impact on the whole group. Your decisions affect not only you, they affect your friends, your family, and PC.

To those of you who do not drink: consider the ohter ethics. Confidentiality and positive regard are just as important as a healthy lifestyle.

To both of you: stop judging, start loving.

Life is good.

I eneded junior year strong. I pulled all A's, and passed all my AP exams. At graduation I said goodbye to some dear friends. But I didn't have time to dwell because within two days I was across the world.

Africa is the single most amazing experience of my life, and I am thankful for it every single day. The team has become my family and I renewed and began friendships that today are stronger than ever. When it came time to leave I wasn't ready to go. I still can't describe it, but that doesn't stop me from trying. But my two weeks were up, and I boarded the plane home. I was home less than 24 hours before taking off for Ohio. I was in Ohio several weeks, and then came home again. The week I was at home I went to the beach each day and went out each night. Then I left for camp for a week. I was home a week, rushing through my summer assignments and then it was off to the PC retreat. A week later, school started. As much as I love school and all of my extra curriculars, I hadn't taken a break, I hadn't sat down, I hadn't gotten a good night's sleep, and I hadn't thought about what was best for me in months. I wasn't ready to go back to school. I felt like I'd just left.

This semester's been tough. These past couple of months have been really really hard to get through and I struggled a lot. I'm sorry for all the complaining and I'm sorry for being so irritable. You guys are the most amazing friends I could ever ask for and I love you all so so much. Thank you for sticking with me.

This break has been exactly what I needed. I slept in. I finished my college applications. I did things that I felt like doing simply because I could. I made new friends and gave myself permission to be happy and be myself. I reconnected with old friends. I got to know people in ways I hadn't before.

I'm learning to say "no". I'm learning that sometimes I need to put myself first. I'm learning that when I spread myself too thin I can never give any one thing or one person all of my attention or love or effort. I'm learning that I can't help others if I'm the one who needs help. If I want to fill others with my love, first I need to fill myself with my love.

Finally, I've stopped surviving and started living.

Alive

"Even if you laugh at us for being reckless and rash, our spirit will support us on the fighting path! if theres a wall in our way, we smash it down! If there isn’t a path, we carve one out ourselves! The magma of our souls burns with a mighty flame! Who the hell do you think we are?

Go beyond the impossible and kick reason to the curb!"

Liberated

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Yeah, I used it for a college essay

Prompt: "Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you have had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why."

This morning my friends and I jumped in the car, filled up the gas tank, turned up the music and headed for La Jolla in search of a trail. I head about the trail eavesdropping at the taco shop; the guys said it wound from the cliffs to the beach through some amazing rock formations. As with most of my impulsive adventures, I wasn’t entirely sure of my destination and could only find directions on an old internet blog. We got close enough to ask a surfer who showed us the entrance hidden in the bushes. At the trailhead there were two trashcans covered with stickers and filled with broken surfboards and bottles. We started down the path.

Not long after we started down the trail forked in two directions. One led up the cliff and one followed a stream; we decided to climb the cliff first and come back to the lower trail. We hopped the stream and scrambled up the steep path slipping on its loose rock. The view at the top was surreal. Ocean stretched as far as I could see and the jagged cliffs tapered off in the distance, covered in ice plant. We sat on the ledge making goofy faces and strange noises, taking weird pictures, and laughing until our stomachs ached. Smiling and breathing in the crisp air, I felt alive.

After a long time we traced back down the cliff to the fork and followed the stream. We balanced across a wooden beam spanning the stream and found ourselves on top of a sandstone ledge with a narrow crevice worn into it. We lowered ourselves into the crevice and wound down the steps worn into the soft rock. At the bottom of the steps we found a shallow pool and unlaced our shoes, leaving them at the edge. Stepping into the cave’s cool water, I felt alive.

A waterfall dropped into the pool and the water streamed down a trench alongside the trail. In search of a challenge, we left the trail and descended into the trench. I scaled a boulder caught between the walls and braced my arms as I swung my legs from foothold to foothold. It started to sprinkle. Eventually the trench opened up to a second and a third waterfall, the ground grew slick with moss and mud. I felt the adrenaline pumping through my body; clinging to the muddy slope, I felt alive.

After passing the last waterfall I leapt over the stream one last time and felt the silty sand between my toes. Splashing in the waves of accomplishment and adventure, I felt alive.

We took pictures of our dirty clothes, hands, and feet, watched the surfers for a while before heading back up the trail. I passed the waterfalls and the pool, wound up the sandy stairs, and crossed back over the wooden beam. I emerged from the bushes beaten and exhausted, but I felt alive.

It’s just plain fun to feel alive.