They always say actions speak louder than words.
Not to worry, your words hurt enough.

...
Every day I fight a war against a mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
...
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else
...

I feel like I've been down this road before

They're together. He hangs out with her boyfriend. She's friends with her and you. You're best friends. So where does that leave me? Why do I try to be friends with you when you clearly don't want anything to do with me?

Ups and Downs

I met a really awesome guy on Tuesday. It's not going anywhere; he's 23. Yeah...haha. Something just clicked. He was really easy to talk to. He was one of those people that you meet and you feel like you've known them your whole life, and you can just picture you as good friends. Relationships, romantic ones, are interesting and they're completly different than all other friendships; I wouldn't mind having someone. I'm trying to strike the balance between finding a guy for the sake of finding a guy and passing up opportunities.

I struck up a flirtatious conversation. Several, actually. I love flirting, almost too much. I don't really want any of them to go anywhere; I don't think they will. There is one, though. We'll see. ;)

I wish I were better at soccer, it just frustrates me and I bottle it all up until it irritates me so much I can't stand it and I say stupid, bitchy things. I really do love most of the girls on my team, but I envy them a LOT.

I wish I could tell certain people what I really need to tell them. I wish I could talk to YOU instead of venting in angry and confusing blog posts. I'm sorry I'm such a failure to you.

Procrastination

A conversation in bio got me thinking. I was talking to my lab partner about my senior project blog and how I had to censor myself so much. She asked why and I replied that much of what I have to say is inappropriate (not necessarily in a sexual way, just generally inappropriate). I'm just now starting to realize that, as obnoxious as I may be at times, that's only the half of it. I wish I didn't keep so much to myself, God knows that's only brought trouble in the past. But I feel like I have to keep things in. Even around my closest friends. I started another blog, one where I say what I really think. Not that this one is a lie. Just not all of the truth. My other blog doesn't have any angry apostrophes or vague references, it has the truth, plain and simple.

I'm sick of hiding myself.

Here it goes.

I'm insecure. That's probably so surprise to anyone who knows me. Most people who hear this about me try to comfort me by telling me I'm great and admirable and whatnot. Some others are annoyed -- the don't understand how someone as accomplished as I am can feel so inadequate. Look, I appreciate the compliments (I re-read your responses to my post "so it goes" frequently) and I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful or just plain stupid to not see all that I have going in my life, but for now that's how it is. It's not that I like feeling insufficient, I just do. It always comes back to the same thing. I know, but I don't believe. I told Harris my self-confidence is "in progress". Admitting it is a step in the right direction, no?

I'm an attention whore, too. I hate that about myself. I hate a lot of things about myself.

I'm confused. I don't know what I want in life, and I don't know how to get it. I still have times when don't feel like I'm good at anything and don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I'm a hypocrite. I know this post is all about learning not to keep things to myself, but I'm not ready to talk about this yet, and you're just going to have to accept that.

I hate that I go from being so content and positive one minute to miserable and upset the next.

I want to talk about all of this with someone, but at the same time, that's one of my greatest fears. Chances are, if you're interested in talking to me, I'm interested in talking to you. So, if you're interested, strike up a conversation and we'll see where it goes. But please don't take it personally if I shut you out, I'm weird that way.

"Parent Brag Sheet"

Sometimes I wonder if you brag about me for my sake or for your own.
You're not proud of what I've done.
You're just happy that you can call yourselves my parents.
Glad to know I'm such a great ego-boost for you both.

What did I learn from that paper?
You don't know the first thing about me.