Fuck you. If you only knew.

So cool!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1926289

Ever noticed that so many of the cool youtube videos and amazing musicians come from back East? Apparently this guy was just bored in his Indiana hotel room. It makes sense -- when you're bored here you go to the beach, when you're bored there you're snowed in by a blizzard. Maybe if I go to school back there I'll develop some kind of ridiculous and absurd but at the same time wonderful talent.

I have a lot to learn from you. And I think you might have some stuff to learn from me, too. Thank you for everything. :)

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass

The thing is...

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Now I can sleep

I wrote an angry, confused post a minute ago. I didn't post it. It's not for anyone but you, though I did send it to one other person. You won't mind. Because you don't know who you are anyway. You don't know I'm talking to you. And, for now, it's going to stay that way because I'm too afraid to tell you what I really think.

One day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z50Yf7hFnhA

My friend quoted this song on his facebook a while ago, and I liked it so much that I quoted it on my blog. I didn't hear it for quite some time until recently another friend played it and I fell in love again. I know it's the same song, but I love it so much more now. I want to articulate what exactly I love so much about it, but really, my words don't do it justice. So, do me and yourself a favor, and check it out.

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason

sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because

all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

it's not about
win or lose
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging

in this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because

all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

one day this all will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day

all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

And this is why we're best friends :)

wait like sang backstreet boys?

...

homo alert
BEEP BEEP

...

he did more than just "come out" on the deck...

...

You'll know who you are

I really appreciate that when I asked you to name something I need to improve, you gave me a very honest and very insightful answer. I really appreciate that I can trust you to be honest. I value your opinion and your frienship a lot. Thanks for being so great, let's hang out more, ya? :D

Across the World

I remember when we met. We went to the movies and you laughed at all the wrong times. Good lord, your laugh. I was writing college essays with the tv on in the background and that movie came on. It's crazy to think that you're leaving so soon. I know it's been a long time since we've talked, it's both of our faults, but I'm going to miss you. Man, I'm gonna miss you. I know you're going to do great things in life, and this is just the beginning, and I'm happy for you. Keep in touch. :)

Guys suck

to a new friend:
I'm sorry I couldn't offer your more than awkward and cliche consolation. I'm sorry you guys broke up, I wish I knew what you need to hear.

to an old friend:
I'm sorry he won't get over you and leave you alone. I don't have the best track record in that department, so I don't know what to do any more than you do, but I do hope it gets better, cause I know it's getting old fast. If venting helps, I'm here for you to vent.

Last night

was incredible. thank you emilee for the invite :)

fuck it all. this is getting old.

Walk away

Sittting there. Shuts the car off. Staring at me. Why not? What's the harm? What do you mean what's the harm?! No. No. No. I don't want this. I don't want you. Thanks for the ride, see you later. Sorry. Not you. Not today, not tomorrow.

If only you could see in yourself what to me is so obvious.
You're better than that. Far, far better.
Come on, belle. I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

911

Hello? 911? Yes, I'd like to report a rape.

What is the location of your emergency?
Room E-5.

Can you describe the attacker?
It was 60 questions, really vague.

Had you seen any of these questions before?
I can't remember; it's all a blur.

And, did you know the answers to any of these questions?
No, no I did not.


Hello? 911? Yes, I'd like to report a rape.

Did you just call?
Yes, but I've been raped again.

Again? What do you mean?
After gov I went to bio.

(Me up at does)

Me up at does

out of the floor
quietly Stare

a poisoned mouse

still who alive

is asking What
have i done that

You wouldn't have

-- ee cummings

Nerd

I called you because I feel like you're the only one who doesn't judge me when I get excited over nerdy, philosophical things. Go buy the book. You know you want to. :)

Today could not have started out any worse and ended any better.

Okay, so it's an exaggeration, but whatever. That's a literary device, right? See, my log did teach me something!

I started off my day entering my 30th hour working on my log and I wasn't much closer than I'd been 20 hours earlier. I was tired, and miserable, and discouraged. I was stressed and I missed my friends.

I went to school half way through 5th period. Now, considering I have 6th off you might be asking yourself why I bothered coming at all aside from the fact that I had to turn in that wretched paper I'd been laboring over. And when I got to school I myself was wondering the same thing.

Everyone in photo was busy doing their own thing, everyone was frazzled and bustling around the classroom in a flurry. I was so emotionally drained from the past three days I couldn't do much. I was so stressed I couldn't even talk. I just shrunk back and tried to avoid conversation.

Of course that wasn't going to fly with Sarah. We studied (but really now, how much do any of us really learn when we're studying?) gov for a while, but wound up getting distracted and off topic.

Last time I was having a really shitty day James tried to draw a happy face on my hand and I realize he was just trying to make me feel better but at the time I was not having it. Today I just let him draw it, trying to stop him wasn't worth the effort. And what do you know? It made me feel better. Like, a lot better. Shoot, I'm looking at it and smiling right now.

During 6th I took my log quiz and was absolutely the happiest person alive when I saw the questions. Last log quiz I'd read books dealing with religion and the questions had to do with absolute truth. This time I read some feminist works. One, "The Awakening" deals with the main character's self-realization as a woman, as an individual, and as an artist. The first log question? What would the author give the main character for Christmas? ART SUPPLIES!!! Easy as cake. I also saw Katherine in the library. She didn't probe about where I've been, she didn't jump on me, she just gave me a huge hug. Exactly what I needed.

I ran into Kelda on my way to turn in my quiz. We walked around for a while and headed over to gov. I opened the door and was swarmed with hugs and smiles. Christina, Angie, Jessica, and Jessie were all there visiting.

My mom called pretty last-minute and told me I had an appointment to get the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu shot. My arms hurt like none other (which I've never had before) but at least I won't get swine flu! Then, my mom and I spent an hour and a half at an Asian fish market buying crazy ingredients for some sauce she's trying to make. We went up and down the aisles trying to find someone who spoke English to help us find the most exotic things. Eventually we found everything we needed and got home.

My mom made a bunch of delicious cookies from some crazy recipe she found in the back of a drawer she was cleaning out. I don't know what's up with her lately but she's on a cooking spree of some kind. Baking cookies and making insane fish oil sauces, I'm anxious but simultaneously afraid to find out what's next.

So, after some serious deep breathing I started my bio homework. I finally am beginning to understand what's going on! A miracle if you ask me. But if that's not enough of a miracle Cara called me with the best stories I've heard in so, so long.

She told me how today in the ED a boy came in who'd been hit by a car. Fortunately that a man nearby called 911. After the boy was taken back the man come into the ED and talked to the nurse. He explained who he was and asked to see the boy's mother. The nurse showed him to the room where the mother was hysterical and absolutely bawling her eyes out. The man walked over to the woman, who was visibly poor, and looked at her. He took her hand and said "I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me, but you need this more than I do. I'll be praying for you" and placed a $100 bill in her hand and walked out.

The second story she told me was about a nurse at the hospital who was really low on cash. Low to the point that she could not afford groceries. The hospital gave her a $100 gift card for Vons. Knowing she only had $100 to buy a month of groceries she was very particular and bought only what she needed. But when she got to the register the card wouldn't go through. For an instant she wondered what she would do for food for the next month. But then the cashier, realizing the situation, rang up the groceries free of charge.

The world needs more people like them.

Today my faith in people and in God was renewed.

Oh, and another FANTASTIC, AMAZING, AND WONDERFULLY HAPPY thing happened today. But I'm not allowed to tell you about it yet. ;)

Fading

Wow. We really are going our separate ways.

"Where there is much light, the shadow is deep"

The past tense is such a horrible thing.

How sad it is that in an instant such a bright and contagiously happy girl was lost. I didn't know her too well, and I was surprised at how hard I took the news. Something about her, of all people such an outgoing person, hit home. Because there really is no difference between Veronica and any of the other people in my life. We're all human. We live, and we die. Some before others. Veronica, too soon. My heart goes out to her friends and family. It's been said time and time again that no parents should have to bury their child, but for the first time I really understand.

It doesn't feel right to speak or smile or laugh.

She had her whole life ahead of her. Graduating. College. Getting married. Travelling. Having children.

What are any of us supposed to do?

She wouldn't want us to cry or to mourn. She would want us to smile, like she always did.

So yes, we should move forward with our heads high, but we should never forget what a beautiful person she was and take with us her spirit and lessons to be learned.

Sometimes words just aren't good enough.

Blinders please?

I hate that I care so much about what you think of me. I was sitting in bed trying to study and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I annoy myself for putting so much emphasis on your opinions. Yes, you're entitled to them and yes, I do value them, but it's getting ridiculous. I started to think about reasons I shouldn't value your opinion. I started to degrade you in my mind in hopes of degrading the worth I've give your thoughts. And then I realized something; you're not the one at fault. It's not that your opinions aren't good enough; it's that I rely on them too much. The realization that I measure myself by others isn't a new one, but I need to figure it out apart from you completely.

word

"You can never tell what people are thinking and feeling unless they tell you, and usually they lie. you ask them, "whats wrong?" and they say "Nothing." You accept this because its easier than digging for the truth. People smile when they want to cry, they laugh when they want to scream and shout. They pretend like nothing is wrong because they dont want to face the truth. Things aren't always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you gotta scream and cry your angers and sadness to the world, because you can only hold it in for so long before something in you snaps. So when you want to cry, cry. When you want to scream, scream. Dont hide behind fake smiles, its ok to not be alright."

Holy crap, you are such a cool person. I appreciate your help with all my annoying college app questions and that you took a genuine interest in my senior project. I admire and respect your eloquence and genuine, upfront, loyal, and bold personality.

I feel like everyone and their mother is telling me not to be a doctor.

The problem is, I don't know whether I should prove them wrong, or heed their warnings.

Dreams

Some days I sleep quickly, hoping my dreams will offer me some refuge, some escape.
Other days I lie awake, afraid that my dreams won't compare to reality.

He died in a tree from which he wouldn't come down. "Come down!" they cried to him. "Come down! Come down!" Silence filled the night, and the night filled the silence, while they waited for Kafka to speak. "I can't," he finally said, with a note of wistfulness. "Why?" they cried. Stars spilled across the black sky. "Because then you'll stop asking for me."

Tricky

It's funny how we appreciate things more when they don't just fall into our laps.

life. and death.

I wish people would stop leaving me.

Rest in peace, Collette. I have so many beautiful memories of you and I am so glad that you are finally free from all the pain. I love and miss you more than I could ever explain.

a little bad, a LOT good

The people who aren't "attending" the FREE HUGS thing are dumb. But actually, I don't mind. Really, I'm indifferent to them because I'll be out there in my shirt brightening someone's day and I'd much rather think about that than waste my time being upset that some people think it's a dumb idea.

I love honest, meaningful conversations.
I love dancing horribly and having a great time anyway.
I love hearing other people's opinions and perspectives.
I love people who are just happy to be alive.
I love appreciating the good things in other people.

So, time for some appreciation:

In the past week at least seven guys have held doors, offered jackets, and give up seats for me. One guy even talked to me about how he treats and respects all girls as if they're his sisters, and feels like it is his job to protect them. Trust me, I'm all about equality: I can open my own door and I can wear my own jacket, but I really really really appreciate little gestures like that, they're considerate, and it's just a nice breath of compassion and friendly gestures that I hope everyone experiences. Pay it forward.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Why do I need a title for this?

I think people need to learn to say "I don't know". Why do we all feel so pressured to always have the right answer to everything? Who says we have to know every little detail about every little thing? I think it takes a lot of courage and humility to say "I don't know". I really respect people who aren't afriad to admit that they don't have all the answers.

On another note...
I can't even be myself when I'm alone. How sad is that?

I'm feeling a FREE HUGS day

I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing to others, but it's annoying that when I'm upset people instantly start talking to me like I'm five.

The whole I don't want to confide in you because you know the people involved is BS. I know it. You know it. But I'm honestly okay with it. It's not like your obligated to confess your life to me, I just really wish you would stop lying to me.

I'm so pissed that "she" is applying "there". I start like seething rage every time I think about it. alkgha;lenwgau!!!! liiiiife.

Tomorrow's Wednesday, December 2nd, and I'm going to have a good day. I'm going to rock the in-clas essay, I'm going to M.E.Ch.A., I'm going to be productive, I'm going to listen to good music, and I'm going to make art.

They always say actions speak louder than words.
Not to worry, your words hurt enough.

...
Every day I fight a war against a mirror
I can't take the person staring back at me
I'm a hazard to myself
don't let me get me
I'm my own worst enemy
...
I wanna be somebody else
I wanna be somebody else
...

I feel like I've been down this road before

They're together. He hangs out with her boyfriend. She's friends with her and you. You're best friends. So where does that leave me? Why do I try to be friends with you when you clearly don't want anything to do with me?

Ups and Downs

I met a really awesome guy on Tuesday. It's not going anywhere; he's 23. Yeah...haha. Something just clicked. He was really easy to talk to. He was one of those people that you meet and you feel like you've known them your whole life, and you can just picture you as good friends. Relationships, romantic ones, are interesting and they're completly different than all other friendships; I wouldn't mind having someone. I'm trying to strike the balance between finding a guy for the sake of finding a guy and passing up opportunities.

I struck up a flirtatious conversation. Several, actually. I love flirting, almost too much. I don't really want any of them to go anywhere; I don't think they will. There is one, though. We'll see. ;)

I wish I were better at soccer, it just frustrates me and I bottle it all up until it irritates me so much I can't stand it and I say stupid, bitchy things. I really do love most of the girls on my team, but I envy them a LOT.

I wish I could tell certain people what I really need to tell them. I wish I could talk to YOU instead of venting in angry and confusing blog posts. I'm sorry I'm such a failure to you.

Procrastination

A conversation in bio got me thinking. I was talking to my lab partner about my senior project blog and how I had to censor myself so much. She asked why and I replied that much of what I have to say is inappropriate (not necessarily in a sexual way, just generally inappropriate). I'm just now starting to realize that, as obnoxious as I may be at times, that's only the half of it. I wish I didn't keep so much to myself, God knows that's only brought trouble in the past. But I feel like I have to keep things in. Even around my closest friends. I started another blog, one where I say what I really think. Not that this one is a lie. Just not all of the truth. My other blog doesn't have any angry apostrophes or vague references, it has the truth, plain and simple.

I'm sick of hiding myself.

Here it goes.

I'm insecure. That's probably so surprise to anyone who knows me. Most people who hear this about me try to comfort me by telling me I'm great and admirable and whatnot. Some others are annoyed -- the don't understand how someone as accomplished as I am can feel so inadequate. Look, I appreciate the compliments (I re-read your responses to my post "so it goes" frequently) and I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful or just plain stupid to not see all that I have going in my life, but for now that's how it is. It's not that I like feeling insufficient, I just do. It always comes back to the same thing. I know, but I don't believe. I told Harris my self-confidence is "in progress". Admitting it is a step in the right direction, no?

I'm an attention whore, too. I hate that about myself. I hate a lot of things about myself.

I'm confused. I don't know what I want in life, and I don't know how to get it. I still have times when don't feel like I'm good at anything and don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I'm a hypocrite. I know this post is all about learning not to keep things to myself, but I'm not ready to talk about this yet, and you're just going to have to accept that.

I hate that I go from being so content and positive one minute to miserable and upset the next.

I want to talk about all of this with someone, but at the same time, that's one of my greatest fears. Chances are, if you're interested in talking to me, I'm interested in talking to you. So, if you're interested, strike up a conversation and we'll see where it goes. But please don't take it personally if I shut you out, I'm weird that way.

"Parent Brag Sheet"

Sometimes I wonder if you brag about me for my sake or for your own.
You're not proud of what I've done.
You're just happy that you can call yourselves my parents.
Glad to know I'm such a great ego-boost for you both.

What did I learn from that paper?
You don't know the first thing about me.

People to people

You guys are two of the coolest people that I hope I get to know. You are literally affecting the world and people around you in ways that you can't imagine. Today you renewed my faith in people.

I feel guilty that I don't feel guilty

Here I am bitching about my mom and I realized that the girl in my class would do anything to be able to have another fight with her mom. But she won't be able to. Most people would feel guilty complaining when there are others so much worse off than themselves.

Why'd you come home?

You clearly don't like it here.
And frankly, it was nice to be away from you.

From September 30th

I hate being compared to other people. I hate comparing myself to other people. I hate that a part of me still can't shake the idea that money and wealth are equivalent to happiness. I hate that success is measured in salaries, clothes, and cars. I hate that if I'm not the best, I feel like the worst. I hate society's standards for me. I hate my standards for myself.

I'm determined to change. I'm programmed to think that if I work hard now, I'll get in to a prestigious college so I can get a high paying job so I can make lots of money so I can buy lots of expensive things that supposedly will make me feel happy and successful.

(I was the biggest hypocrite alive today.)

I've come too far to lose it all because of you

If she messes up my letter of reccomendation she will regret it.

:(

I can't handle my life right now.

But really, who am I to complain? Two people from the Africa team lost family members this week. I don't understand. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why? I don't know that I'll ever know why. I just know that they do. In the middle of this chaos and upheaval that is life, I find solace in the fact that I belong to a group of people that are supportive and ready to serve in any way that they are called. You are my refuge and it's an honor.

three little birds

Just rest for a moment. It's OK. Yes, things are crazy, yes, the world is going nuts. Yet, deep underneath the stormy waves, there, in the ... core of your being, there is pure silence, pure love. And ... it's ... just ... OK.

Looking up at the moon

"Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God I'm breathing, then I pray don't take me soon cause I'm here for a reason."

I needed to hear that.
We're all here for a reason.
Each and every one of us.

Draw again?

I'm frustrated with the hand life delt me. I don't like these cards.

myself

He asked me to explain my self-portrait to the class. Like it wasn't hard enough to show it in the first place. No, it doesn't explicitly tell every little detail. Sure, the class doesn't know, but I know. It's a weird feeling to look at that picture, I wholeheartedly love it and hate it at the same time. So I kept my explanation vague, but it was terrifying to let them in, it's scary to make myself vulnerable. I've "admitted" it to myself, but I haven't really taken it to hear yet. I'm in denial that I'm in denial.

You know who you are

Hey :)
We haven't talked in a while, I hope things are going well for you. And whether they are amazing, or whether they're far from it, I'd really like to talk and see what's up with you. I know I've said it before, but I want to say it again. Thank you. You helped me see that I could be strong, you showed me that other people struggle with the same things I struggle with. You made me feel like I wasn't alone, like I wasn't some crazy. You saved me. And days like today, I can't imagine what I would be like if I hadn't met you. Today was a wonderful day, and I'm here to appreciate it because of you. I'm still learning; it's a long process. Life's still not easy, but I know I can handle it. The next couple of weeks and months are going to be really stressful, but I'm okay with that, I'll make it through. Thank you for helping me get to where I am in life. Thank you for giving me the chance to have days like today.

Friend :D

I love you. You're absolutely beyond all doubt the best friend I could ever ask for. You help me through my worst times, when everyone else gives up on me. You laugh at my lame jokes and adhd moments. You probably know me better than I know myself, and you accept each and every part of me. You know my flaws, my fears, my failures, my past, and you're my friend despite all of it. You're there when I need to laugh and take my mind off of things. You don't mind that I'm a dork and like to talk in funny accents. You listen to my rants when I'm angry and my dreams when I'm optimistic. You are unique, genuine, accepting, fun, deep, thoughtful, and all around fantastic. You'll always be my original partner in crime.

Pearls before Swine

I said I hate small talk, but now that I think about it, that's not entirely true. I love small talk, it can be funny, amusing, and entertaining. But at the same time it can also be superficial, boring, and awkward. Small talk can be great depending on the situation. But I love deep conversation, the kind that is mind boggling, meaningful, challenging, interesting, the kind of conversation that bonds people together in a way that small talk never could. Times like last night, standing with a group that makes me feel like I don't belong, making awkward, stupid, pointless small talk, annoy me to no end. For the longest time I felt like it was my fault that the conversation sucked so much, I blamed myself for being so shy and uncomfortable. But today I realized that if they think I'm boring or awkward, the joke's on them, because I'll gladly bet that I can have a far more interesting conversation than they could ever have anytime, anyplace. So, yeah, maybe I'm not the best conversationalist when it comes to small talk, but then again, maybe they're just not worth my time.

Depressingly Accurate

"Under all of your smiles and happiness, you're actually a very upset person. It might be because of something in the past or a reason you aren't sure of. When you're alone too long it makes you think that others don't care. You haven't found true happiness yet, though you may have and all of the stresses of life are bringing you down. Keep looking up!"

I guess these are "supposed" to help...

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

meh

Today was a pretty lame day. Nothing in particular made it so "lame". Actually, looking back at different things that happened today I would've thought it to be a "good" day or even a "great" one, but it wasn't. Mostly it boils down to anxiety. I'm scared about the future. I work at a different pace and I do things my own way, but unfortunately, my pace and my way don't fit the system. So I'm supposed to learn to "deal"? Learn to "cope"? Just "get over it"? Says who? Why should I be the one to change? Sure, being flexible and having the ability to adapt are noble qualities and all, but why do I have to always be the one to change? Sure, I'm not right all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong all the time, either. Throw me a bone, would ya?

I'm still really frustrated and discouraged with friendships, and really relationships in general. I don't even like him and I'm jealous. I'm jealous. There. I said it. Now what?

When you said I looked "sullen" today? When I told you I was "okay"? I lied. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am. A part of me really wants to talk to you about it. The other part wants to be as far away from you as possible. Sorry I've been so rude lately. It's nothing personal. But at the same time, it is.

Today I hate you, I hate myself, and I hate life in general.

I have to go do bio and read that poem about happiness.

Happiness?
I have such a distorted perspective of happiness, love, life in general. I don't know that I'll ever find happiness.

Today was a pretty lame day.

Things I Love

music
painting
photography
nature
good weather
volunteering
friends (as in people)
friends (as in the tv show)
stories
laughing
philosophy
reading
thinking
crossing things off lists
venting
blogging
wearing comfortable shoes
being barefoot
sleeping

today was a great day.

trivial (only not...)

I shut my phone off periodically for a lot of different reasons. Often I've just lost my phone, but sometimes I just tell my parents that so they'll turn it off anyway. I need a break sometimes, it's nice to be away from the barrage of calls and voicemails, and now (ironically enough), texting. Having a phone again after not having one for so long is a very very bittersweet thing. As convenient as it can be to have a phone, I miss it being "lost".

How are you?

When I ask someone how they're doing, I really want to know. It's typical of American culutre to expect someone to reply "I'm well, thanks. How are you?" Which is fine, if they're doing well. But please, if I ask you how you're doing, I'd really appreciate a genuine, candid answer. It's sad to think how much people can bottle things up. They're better at disguising it than you'd think.

Excuse the language?

"I hate the gay prius commercial with the plant people! Why are they running spots during football? What MAN is going to want to buy that car?"

Fuck the guy who said this.

(I can't help but think of what a wondeful example this YOUTH PASTOR is setting.)

Worth it

It's incredible how much we put ourselves through, how much we endure telling ourselves it'll be worth it down the road.

I decided I think it's worth it after all.

Sometimes I forget why.

Today I remembered.

Suspended

Everyone shared their life, their self. They were completely open, and honest, and trusting. Finally I lost the nose-goes. I told them everything. Or, as much of 'everything' as anyone's gonna get for now. The rest will have to wait. I was shaking the whole time, but they didn't pry, they didn't shrink back, they didn't judge. They listened. They really, truly listened. Not too many people do that anymore. I was shaking the entire time, the numbed callousness of it all is wearing off. I'm realizing it now, almost as if before I knew it but now I understand it. It's always a relief to let it all out like that, but this time it was different. It's disgusting who I used to be, and it's terrifying that some things are back to how they were when I was like that. But I won't go back. I refuse. I've come too far, and I'm FAR better off the way I am now. God, please give me the strength to keep on track.

Can't stop smiling

Today someone called me "the sweetest person [she] knows". She said I always have a huge smile on my face and it always makes her smile, too. WOW!! I'm seriously so happy to know that I touched someONE's life, even in the smallest way. It's moments like this that are the reason I smile as much as I do. Thank you for brightening my day. :)

It just hit me

that I won't be young forever.
(I'm scared to grow up.)

Takin' the high road

I'm proud that I made the right decision. One of the worst feelings I've ever experienced is knowing that I've disappointed someone I respect and care about. And it feels darn good to know that he won't be disappointed. Because I did the right thing.

"everything looks perfect from far away"

Thank you God for all the perfectly-timed reality checks. It's amazing how you use the people in my life to show me things about myself and the world.

Please go away

I wish you would go back; I don't like being around you. You're negative, stressful, and you smell bad.

Friendless

I feel like I don’t have any friends. I know I have friends, but knowing something and feeling something are two entirely different things. What’s difficult to explain is why I’m feeling like this. I had a wonderful time earlier today with two different groups of people, and I have great friends in both. But it’s not just tonight – I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Most likely if you’re reading this you’re someone who I consider a friend or someone who considers me a friend. So please don’t take this the wrong way; I really value you and our friendship. I truly don’t know how to explain it other than: it’s not you, it’s me.

Have a nice life

At first it was difficult to let go of 11 years. I thought I wanted our friendship back. Tonight I realized I've never been more wrong in my life. I don't need you and I don't want you. Have a nice life, I'm just glad it doesn't include me.

<3

Thank you for trusting me. That thing you showed me -- I wish it only had the second half, it's heart-wrenching to see the first half. I love you.

Not finished yet

AND -- there are SO many freaking cliques on the team, and I don't fit into any of them. What else is new?

well that SUCKED

Go figure. I had such a bad feeling about tonight, and I was hoping so so badly that I'd be wrong, but of course, I wasn't. I really didn't want to go to practice today. Today actually sucked so much for so many reasons. But I went anyway, 10 mintues late, of course. Thank you mother. So, after getting there late instead of doing all the homework I'd told myself I'd do, I started putting on my gear. My coach saw me taping a blister on my foot and he and my other coach launched into a freaking lecture about how he always tells us to wear two pairs of socks and nooooo one listens to him, and loooooook what it gets us. Well, thank you for that wonderful, enlightening speech, but I didn't get them from my cleats, nor have I ever in the past wearing ONE pair of socks I might add. So, after getting into the drills the one coach persists to make fun of me. Seriously? What the heck? Since when do I play soccer to be made fun of? I beat myself up enough when I screw up, I don't need your help feeling bad about myself, but thanks anyway. Then we broke into a scrimmage, and I started realizing how much better all the other girls are than I am, and I got all self conscious and screwed up nearly every play I tried to make, and each time I felt their annoyance and disapproval glaring at me. Then after about an hour of frustration and scolding myself, practice finally ended, we packed everything up, everyone started to leave. Except me. I was there, still, waiting for my parents to pick me up like a freaking ten-year-old. Late. Nice to know I'm a priority in your life. To top it off, while I'm getting into the car my dad made small talk with one coach who had the nerve to call us "uncoachable". I pretended not to hear, and played dumb when they asked me if I had. Of course I freaking heard you, you said it right in front of me. Shutting the door, I snaped at my parents about the coach's comment. Who the heck is he to say we're uncoachable? All he freaking does is stand in the middle of the field and get in the way, he doesn't know the first thing about coaching. Later I apologized for snapping and my mom starts lecturing me about how every time I come home from soccer I'm frustrated with something, and she wonders if I should even be playing. I know I sound like a little kid haivng a tempter-tantrum, but that's pretty much how I feel right now. Sorry to have wasted your time reading this.

Didn't see that coming

Life throws some good curve balls. Definately didn't see that coming. But I'm so so happy and love you both SO much!

Making room

When you recover or discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life.
-- Jean Shinoda Bolen

Perception

Able to see what others cannot
Yet ignorant to what they can
A glimpse of a speck
A plank in the way
A perspective distorted
Deceived by mirages
Led astray in the fog
Searching for answers I’m afraid to find
Blinded by the light of truth

Outlet

As much as I love soccer, blogging, and photography -- they aren't cutting it. I need an outlet for everything I've got bottled up, cause the alternative isn't so great.

I don't want to be happy?

Praying for the World

The more I talk, no, the more I *listen* to people, the more I realize how difficult life is. It's so hard when you're at your worst to remember that there *will* be better days. It *will* be okay. The more I listen, the more I realize how much and how many people face unimaginable struggles with incredible resilience. Tonight, I'm going to pray for the world, because the more I listen, the more I realize how much everyone needs prayer.

my upcoming weekends will be filled with the following

feel free to join me on any of these excursions, or suggest more :) in fact, please do!

hiking. a LOT.
exploring different cities
cooking different (legit) meals from various countries
making a HUGE slip n slide
having an epic spoons tournament
having an indianna jones movie night
playing broomball
playing ultimate frisbee
have a tie dye party
going geocashing
visiting different museums
going orchard robbing
having a pb & j making marathon, then giving them to the homeless
free hugs day at the beach
sleeping on my roof...or maybe just stay up there really late
having an intense rave/dance party
going farmers market hopping
having a sleepover and take every facebook quiz imaginable
biking to the beach
splatter painting anything and everything
going kyacking
taking film pictures
having a guitar day
joining a random drum circle
reading philosophy books and talking/pondering
playing vietcong
playing lifesize battleship
painting
having a picnic and rolling down the hills at the lake

Who would have thought?

Who would have thought everything would have turned out like this? I never would have expected our relationship to be anything like what it is. I guess life's just funny like that.

It's hard saying 'goodbye' to so many people. If you see me around, please give me a hug, I could use one (or two, or three) right about now.

Not yet

I'm in a slump. I'm not doing what I want to in life, I'm doing what I feel like I have to do, and it's one of the worst feelings in the world. In years past although I may not have been excited per say for the start of school, I at least found things that made it tolerable. Things like seeing people I hadn't hung out with over the summer, getting back into a routine, or learning new and interesting things. But this year's different. I really wasn't ready to go back. And I'm dreading Monday already.

No regrets

My goal this year: live life with no regrets.

I miss him already

No matter how many times I come to the realization that I can't fully appreciate everything in my life until it's taken away, I fall into the same trap every time. I really didn't understand how much he meant to me, and now it's too late.

Wise words

L -- "Life's a bitch."

J -- "And that's when you realize, that sometimes you just have to give life a nice back hand, and make it YOUR bitch."

The letter I can't send

Dear you,

Little things remind me of our friendship. English accents, laundry baskets, concussions, newspapers. Looking back at all the years, I miss our friendship. I miss you. I miss gossiping about boys, dancing to nsync, painting our nails, swimming, getting into trouble, and just having fun. It's hard to let go of all those great memories, but it's just as hard to let go of the bad ones. I felt burdensome, abandoned, annoying, forgotten, ditched, and most of all, replaced. Each year it was a new best friend or a new guy. Each year they let you down. And each year I was there to pick you back up when things crashed down. But you weren't the friend to me that I was to you. We've slipped apart, slowly, and steadily. I've thought about our friendship, or at least, the little that may be left of it, a lot this past year. It's hard to watch you go on with your life, as I go on with mine and pretend like none of it ever happened. I have a hard time with confrontation and I have a hard time telling people how I really feel, so I've bottled it up over the years and shoved it to the back of my mind. I'm sorry for this unspoken hatred and constant tension. I'm not sure I'm ready to be your friend again. I'm not sure I'll ever be ready. I'm hurt. But I'm also sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry and I'd really like to talk this out.

-- me

I feel alive

"I think that what we're seeking is an experience of being alive, so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonance's within our own innermost being and reality, so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive."

Best of Luck

I wish you and all your little friends the best.
Because I've finally realized I deserve better.

Lapse in Judgment

Rough Defition: A momentary lack judgment that is usually considered to be out of character.

So, it wasn't a big deal. But it snowballed a little. And then a little more.

I'm uncomfortable lying to them like this.

So, even if this time it wasn't a big deal, I can't help but wonder what my next "lapse" is going to be. What'll my excuse then? What if it's not so harmless?

What happened tonight was really nothing, but it concerns me to think that I am so easily swayed by others.

Do I want to be the kind of person that would give up my character for such a momentary delight?

A letter to myself

Today you said you loved yourself. Love is such an amazing, difficult, and in all ways incredible thing. Today you do love yourself. Today you made peace with things people have done to you, things people have said about you, things you have said about yourself, things you have believed about yourself, and things you have done to yourself. You overcame obstacles that a year ago, a month ago, and even a week ago seemed impossible. Today you love yourself. Tomorrow you may not. Just as different as each day is from the last you are different, too. A lot of things in your life are still in progress. Progress is good. You've grown, learned, changed, and progressed tremedously throughout life. Remember, even when you have days you don't love yourself, accept that. Accept that as much as you change, so will your love. Remember it is one day, and you will probably have a lot of these "one days", but remember there are always, always opportunities to love yourself; take advantage of them. Loving yourself isn't one-dimentional, it's your body, your mind, your soul, your spirit, your decisions, your thoughts, your actions, your character, and so much more. It's possible to love parts of yourself. It's possible to love all of yourself. Love as much of you as you can as often as you can, and don't be ashamed or discouraged when it's not easy, or you truly don't. When you don't know a part of yourself, love that you don't know, it is another opportunity to search and hopefully find that part of you. Even the parts you think you've found may change. Love the old, love the new, and love the change. If you don't or can't, challenge yourself to find out why. Never stop wondering, growing, questioning, changing, or loving.

Love now, and always,
Yourself

thanks for nothing

Maybe if I stop getting my hopes up, people will stop letting me down.

Some Swahili I learned (don't hold me to the spelling)

man riding a red motorcycle -- mwana mume ame panda piki piki neokundu
thumbs up -- dole
pound it -- nepetano
Hello -- jambo
Hello (respectful, formal) -- shikamoo
goodbye -- kwaheri
How are you -- habari
(very) good - nzuri (sana)
thank you -- asante
sorry -- pole
slowly -- pole pole, teratibu
God bless you -- mungu aku bariki
friend -- rafiki
up -- jew
down -- chini
wait -- subiri
yes -- dia/o
no -- hapana
welcome -- karibu
pound -- shindilia
increase -- mgaza
bucket -- no
picture -- pitcha
where -- wapi
you -- wewe
my name is -- jina langu ni ...
what is your name? -- jina laku nani?
faster -- haraka
woman beast -- mwanamke bora
man boar -- mwana polo
tough woman -- bownsa
hey/whats up/hows it goin (informal greeting exchange) -- mambo/poa/ali/safi/mecha/kibao

Prayer

Dear God,

I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.

I'm lost.
I'm confused.

I don't know.

Help.
What do I do?
Where do I go?

I don't know.

I'm running in circles, desperate for a foothold.
Looking for answers.

I don't know.
But you know.

I can't.
I can't without you.

Your strength, for I am weak.
Your will, for I am fickle.
Your heart, for mine is hard.
Your peace, for mine is temporary.
Your path, for mine is lost.
Your love, for mine is empty.
Your promise, for mine is insincere.

I don't know.

"Break me."
But I'm too afriad.

Do I really mean it?
"Give me the heart to ask for the heart."

And when you pray, do not keep babbling on like pagans for they think they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. (Matthew 6:7,8 NIV)

I don't know.
But you know.

I can't.
But you can.

I ask again.
But not really again.
I mean it for the first time.

Not me, but you.

Nothing Profound

It's been a long time and in that time my life's changed more than I could have imagined possible. I don't know that words can truly communicate it all, so we'll save the life-lessons for another post.

when I first thought about blogging what I am about to blog I once again found myself second-guessing what I think. Is it good enough? Profound enough? Eloquent enough? And I'm giving myself permission to say what I think and not worry about what everyone's going to think when they read it. I'm ashamed that I second-guessed in the first place.

I think it's stuipd, yes, stuipd, wasteful, and wrong the LA mayor promised to pay $1.4 million for Michael Jackson's memorial. I think he must have some sick and messed up priorities to not see all the other things he could have used that $1.4 million to do. So many people IN LOS ANGELES could have been helped with that kind of money, but instead he's footing the bill for an obscenly expensive light show. So there you have it. I think it's stupid and I don't care what what you think of my opinion.

Unconditional love

"I want people to look at me, to see every little flaw in me, to know my insecurities and my pride, my scars and my tears and all the hate and fear and loathing I hold inside of me, to see me for what I am, exactly, no smoke or mirrors or veils to keep me covered, and then to love me anyway."

I hope one day this will come true for me, and for you.

You. Yes, you sitting there, reading my blog. Thank you. It means a lot to me that you just took the time out of your life to read my blog. You could have spent your time doing so so many other things, and I'm honored that you spent it reading this post.

I hope you and I can both can not only experience but also show others this unconditional love.

Maybe I'm supposed to learn something from this

Reflecting on my day

I’m feeling a lot of things right now. Mainly I’m frustrated, and a little, well, maybe a little more, upset.

Starting out with the superficial stuff (and likely, ending with it to, with a little more in between).

I’m discouraged by calculus, it’s tiring to do the same problem over and over and not get anywhere or learn from any of my mistakes. It’s also frustrating that I’m having even more difficulty finding help.

A team is next. I got an email asking anyone interesting in trying out next year to reply and set up a time to apply/interview/etc. I replied expressing my interest and received a reply back with some questions for me to answer because in-person interviews were too difficult to set up. As I read the questions, I may have taken them too personally, but whatever I did or didn’t do, I was a little hurt and a little offended. The first question asked about my other commitments, (of which I admittedly have more than my fair share). A fair and standard question. What hurt me was the note at the end expressing concern that in particular I tend to over commit myself and may not be able to handle another commitment. Secondly, when I replied I specified that I prefer working with the more advanced team than the entry-level team, but was met with the reply that someone else had priority due to past experience. I understand one hundred percent that the other person has more experience and would be a more than qualified coach, but I’m hurt by the fact that I was deemed second-rate and unable to budget my own time. I went through a similar situation this past year for the captain position. I was approached by the advisor and strongly urged to consider trying out for captain, and decided to take a chance and go for it. Again, the other person was well qualified and would do a great job, but I still felt like I had something to offer. I was not chosen as captain, and I was disappointed, but not losing any sleep over it. What bothered me more than the fact that I didn’t make captain was the fact that I felt like the person who ultimately was captain had been chosen long before I was even considered. I was given a false sense of hope then, and I feel like I’m being given that same false hope again. I have been told repeatedly that nothing is definite. Except it is. Or at least might as well be. He has priority, as he should, but that doesn’t mean no one else should be considered in addition. Why ask me to try out when you don’t really want me to in the first place?

Then there’s English. We have this visual rhetoric/social commentary project we’re doing. The project’s changed format more than enough times, and it’s nothing like any of us had originally planned, but it’s decent. It’s inspired by the picture above – ‘indifferent’ by Dave Nitsche. My group shot a similar picture so technically the entire project is our own work and we’ve been asking for feedback and reactions to the picture’s message. Some people couldn’t have been more right. At least, they couldn’t have been more in line with what I perceive to be the message. And others are farther then left field. Every time I look at that picture I get chills and a part of me chokes back tears. It’s a horrible, horrible thought, but one that needs to be shared. It’s awful to think of a crowd watching someone, staring at them face down in their own blood with pure apathy. It’s an extreme depiction, but we do it all the time. I do it all the time. I see people suffering and I let them suffer. I glance at their pain and in a blink move on. I continue on with my own life concerning myself with my own business and my own well-being. Leaving them to suffer alone, half-heartedly hoping someone else stops to help. No one should ever be alone. A friend once said indifference is worse than hate. I finally understand what he meant. Indifference is easy, but what is easy is rarely what is right.

A Time

For everything there is a season,

And a time for every matter under heaven:

A time to be born, and a time to die;

A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;

A time to kill, and a time to heal;

A time to break down, and a time to build up;

A time to weep, and a time to laugh;

A time to mourn, and a time to dance;

A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;

A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;

A time to seek, and a time to lose;

A time to keep, and a time to throw away;

A time to tear, and a time to sew;

A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

A time to love, and a time to hate;

A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

it made me smile

What do you think?

I asked Richard what time I needed to be at the church to hitch a ride to volunteer at the homeless shelter and he said unfortunately there was a good chance it was going to be cancelled. He said he’d probably have a movie night instead for the people he couldn’t get a hold of to tell them that it was cancelled, but said he wished we could get something accomplished instead of just watching a movie. He asked me what I thought of it all, and we talked for a while about different possibilities. When he first asked I was caught a little off-guard. It was such a small and seemingly insignificant question, but that little, insignificant question made me feel like I was important. I was so happy to feel like Richard cared about what I thought. It’s surprising how something so small can make a person feel so significant. Thank you, Richard. I hope everything works out tonight.

I don't know

To keep it simple:

I don't know.

To make it complicated:

I started going to church about two years ago; I went by myself. My family's not really one for religion, I guess they're more...spiritual? Either way, church was awkward at first. I didn't believe anything the pastor said, I liked the Christian morals, but was in no way a Christian. I thought Christianity was stupid, I thought Christians were a bunch of hypocritical, pompous fakes. I didn't know anything and all of the sudden I was being bombarded with all this Jesus talk. I was so uncomfortable, I was so completely out of my element all I could do was sit and keep my mouth shut and my eyes down. For whatever reason, I kept going back. I did like some of what the pastor said. He talked about things like love and forgiveness and helping others. He talked about feeling discouraged and learning that I'm not perfect, but that I don't need to be. I didn't have too many friends at church. Jeremy talked to me. James, too. Most of the guys were pretty nice. The girls were a different story. They had their cliques and circles and inside jokes and I didn't fit. Things were how they liked them. They didn't need me and they didn't want me. I dreaded trying to make small talk with them, I was terrified to walk in late, I didn't have anyone to sit with, and everyone would just state at me. But, for whatever twisted reason, I kept going. Things got a little better over time. The girls still ignored me, but I started talking to other people, I got along well with the college kids, even the middleschoolers, but not the high school girls. I remember talking with them and they laugh at some inside joke or code name or make plans to hang out in front of me. Plans that didn't include me. They'd pass around the camera sharing pictures of the party that 'everyone' went to. Everyone but me. It hurt. I hated myself enough then, and those girls just rubbed salt in the wounds. But I kept going. I liked learning about the Bible, it was interesting. The pastor was so boring and he always had ridiculous power points. He had the most annoying voice. Normally the messages went in one ear and out the other or over my head completely. But every now and then, right when I was about to leave. Right when I'd decided church wasn't worth all the abuse I'd felt, right when I was about to crack with all the pressure from school and fighting at home there was some message that really touched me. It was perfect. Too perfect. I kept thinking it couldn't just be a coincidence. And I kept going. Eventually I started sitting with one family. I still love them so much. They smiled and hugged me, they'd ask how I was doing and I felt like they really cared. I felt like I'd found the family I'd never really had. But I still didn't quite fit. There are several dominant families and unless you're in one or they 'approve', you might as well leave now and save yourself the trouble. The family I sat with was among the 'approved', but I wasn't. My family didn't come with me, I was the loner. I felt like dirt. I felt like an ugly black sheep in their white flock. I did the whole church thing. I dressed up. I sang. I closed my eyes and 'prayed'. Why didn't they accept me? I was really good at it, I brought my Bible every week and wrote down verses from the message. I was a good girl. I forced myself into the mold, but on the inside I didn't believe it. I wanted to believe. I wanted to believe so so badly. I wanted what they had, but I couldn't. I could never have what they had, no matter what I did, said, wore, sang. Those blue-moon messages couldn't just be luck. There had to be more. But I felt like I was just lying to myself. Every time I sat in church I felt alone. Every time I left I felt guilty, like I wasn't good enough, like I had failed. It all started to eat away at me inside and I hated myself more than I ever had. I didn't belong. They didn't want me there and I didn't fit. I didn't believe what the pastor was saying no matter how much I wanted to. After a year and a half and some serious soul-searching I stopped going. I looked at a couple of other churches, but they were more hypocritical than the last. I was so ready to quit. I remember this one football game. I made myself go, I didn't trust myself to stay home alone. I eavesdropped on some people behind me talking about guilt and depression and their faith in God. That same night my friends invited me to their church. I'd heard of the church, but I didn't really know much about it. After the game I sat with my friend and I said something about the conversation and the impact it had on me. He asked me why, and I didn't really answer. I didn't really know the answer, I was so upset but as awful as it is in a way I was relieved that I wasn't alone. Someone else experiencing the same feelings I was. I didn't know him very well at the time, but that guy behind me truly changed my life. I went to my friends' church that weekend, and it wasn't too bad. I loved the people. The pastor talked about Judah, the disciple who betrayed Jesus and committed suicide out of guilt. The pastor asked the kids if they thought Judah was in Hell (suicide is a sin) or not. He challenged them to stand up for what the believed. He challenged them to go into the Bible and find verses supporting their side. And he ended the talk admitting that he didn't know. He didn't pretend to know the answer when he didn't. He was honest and real with them. I remember only one phrase from the pastor at the first church "you cannot be homosexual and be a Christian." I went back to the second church a couple of times and every time I went the talk was so incredibly relevant to my life, I was a little creeped out. It was too perfect. But it wasn't once in a blue moon, it was every week. I liked the people at that church, they were friendly, they waved and said hi at school, they hugged me and we talked about everything from school to boys to temptation and sin. I was constantly impressed by their dedication and honesty. I felt like I belonged. It felt right. I still go to that church. I'm still confused about God. At the retreat I walked on "are you religious?" and "are you currently questioning your religious beliefs?". I'm lost. I wrote about 'God' over the summer. I wrote "maybe God does exist", but God can't "maybe" exist. God exists or He doesn't. But even that's not true. It's not an "or" kind of thing. God exists. God does not exist. One of those is the truth and the other isn't. I believe there's more than this. I believe there is something bigger and far more powerful than me, something I don't understand, something maybe I never will understand. But I don't know about cookie-cutter Christianity. I haven't read the whole Bible, how can I accept it as the unfailing word of God? I believe God loves everyone, He doesn't paly favorites, He doesn't pick and choose, including gay people. I love the Bible, but I can't deny the political influence "King James" isn't just a fun title. So I'm stuck. I want to believe. And sometimes I do. But that's paradoxal. If I truly believed, it's not something that comes and goes. It's not something I can do sometimes. I believe but I don't. I'm suspended in indecisiveness and uncertainty and fear, and I'm constantly being pushed and pulled. And it all comes back to one thing -- I don't know.

Back off

I get a lot of grief for taking the classes and tests I do. Most people don't mean it in a malicious way, but to be frank -- it's getting old. What's it to you, anyway? Waiting for Spanish this morning my friend and I were joking around psyching ourselves out and this girl next to us looked over, rolled her eyes and made some stupid comment about being "so intense". That is EXACTLY the kind of attitude that drives me crazy sometimes. Seriously, back off and keep whatever commentary you have about me and my actions to YOURSELF. She's also exactly the kind of apathetic person I plan on leaving behind me when my "intense" attitude and hard work pay off.

I'm really sick of apathetic, unmotivated quitters telling me what I should do or judging me.

If YOU want to not care, if YOU want to sit back and coast, if YOU want to quit and give up that's YOUR deal, but STOP telling me I should do the same.

Just don't fit

It's really depressing to feel like I don't belong, especially when I wanted to belong so badly.

I take that back -- I'm not depressed, more discouraged.

I thought I'd finally found a place I agreed with, where the people were genuine and serious but at the same time fun and quirky, I thought it'd be the perfect place to learn and grow and make new friends, I thought it'd be perfect for striking a realistic balance.

I felt like it was somewhere I could belong.

But I'm slowly starting to think it's no different than the last one.

Just slower to show its true colors.

Ever wonder?

If clocks with "hands" become obsolete, will younger generations understand what clockwise and 'counterclockwise' mean? Will they know which direction they should look when someone yells "Quick, 11 o'clock!"?

I'm ready. Send me. I'll go.

http://therescue.invisiblechildren.com/en/#/watch/

This is wrong.
This is murder.
This is genocide.
This cannot go on.
This needs to change.
I'm always saying I "can't wait" to do this or that.
But if I really "couldn't wait" I'd be doing something about it.
I'm ready to do something about this.
No more waiting.

Send me.
I'll go.

"You're unique -- just like everyone else."

I know it's trite -- but I'm frustrated with society.

I'm frustrated that I feel like I need to prove who I am.
I want to be an individual.
To feel like I'm unique, and that in my uniqueness I'm valuable and special.
But I already am an individual.
I'm frustrated that I feel like knowing that for myself isn't enough.

I want so badly to be different from other people.
I'm afraid of being generic.
I don't want to be replaceable.

I'm frustrated that things that mean a lot to me are becoming fads.
Like creativity and self-expression.
I think a big part of being an intriguing and unique person is being artsy and creative.
I really really admire creative people.
Even to the point of envy.
But I think what I envy more than their creativity is their ability to express themselves.
And the validation they recieve when they do.

I say I'm frustrated because as I'm trying to define who I am, and I feel like every time I turn around, someone else has 'stolen' some part of who I thought I was -- or at least who I was becoming.
But really that goes against what I say I want in the first place.

I want to discover the true me independent of all outside influence.

I feel like individuality is some secret unspoken competition between people struggling to define themselves and we're all just trying to out-do one another.
Like, instead of "survival of the fittest" it's "survival of the coolest".

Rest in peace Gigi, you are loved and missed.
<3

I just remembered that time Ashley and I brought you Girl Scout cookies...hahaha. I'll never forget that.

Life isn't just good, it's amazing

I spent my Saturday feeding the homeless and enjoying the beautiful weather with other people who love to help others as much as I do.

Saturday night was dominated by balloon-popping games, singing while Jordan freestyled on the piano, beatboxing, and calc homework with my friend.

Sunday I went to church and spent the rest of the day at the beach with some of the greatest people I know.

And as if my life weren't amazing enough -- I got a 34 on the ACT!

Are the Times Really Changing?

So often I think to myself "Thank God that times have changed". Learning about the plague, the World Wars, the Civil Rights movement, I find that I don't fully understand that these events were someone else's reality. When I read about them in textbooks or listen to guest speakers, I can never grasp the concept that they really did happen. They're not from some Pulitzer-Prize novel, they're a part of history. And no matter how unimaginable they are for me, the people of those times didn't have the option of imagining anything because they were watching it unfold before their eyes.

Take, for example, this article:

The Good Wife's Guide (Housekeeping Monthly May 13, 1955)

Have dinner ready.
Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have be thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they get home and the prospect of a good meal is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself.
Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.
Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter.
Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Run a dust cloth over the tables.
During the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering to his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the children
Take a few minutest to wash the children's' hands and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise.
At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.
Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him.
You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his.
Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal.
Try to make sure that you home is a place of peace and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.
Don't complain if he's late for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through at work.

Make him comfortable.
Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or lie him down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.
Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

If I were married I would not hesitate to smack my husband should he even remotely consider telling me that I have "no right" to question him and that instead I should "know my place".

Thank God times have changed.

But, the more I think about it, the more I wonder -- have the times really changed? Or am I just fortunate enough to live in a dream reality sheltered from the cruelty of the real world?

Think about the new Afghan law that forbids a woman to resist her husband's sexual advances; the same one that requires her to ask her husband's permission to work outside the home or go to school. This law is sexist, degrading, oppressive, unjust, and purely disgusting. But this law isn't from 1955; it's from last week. And it's real. For hundreds of thousands of helpless women it's not an unjust ideal, and it's not someone else's problem; it's reality.

Thanks Aaron :]

You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there.

Pieces of me

How can I simultaneously love and hate parts of my life so much?

I have so many things going for me, I'm so thankful for all my friends and the opportunities I have that most other people only dream about. I appreciate my parents' dedication to my happiness and support of my goals. I'm learning a lot in school even though I whine. I'm happy with the person I'm becoming and I'm proud that I've finally gotten the strength to overcome some old obstacles.

But at the same time, there are still things that eat away at me, slowly and constantly tearing me apart, piece by piece. And all those pieces are starting to add up. But I can't change it. The situation is what it is. But I keep hoping that if I close my eyes tight, cross my fingers, and wish hard enough that it'll just disappear. It's like a black mark or an ominous rain cloud. I can't forget that I'm not the only one dealing with this. I really think talking about it would help. But I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about it, and I don't want to think about it. I don't want to accept it. I just want it to go away. I wish I'd never found out. I've never understood the meaning of "ignorance is bliss" more than now.

boys, boys, boys

A while back a friend and I made lists of things we found attractive in guys. Mine was divided into a "deserve" category and a "like" category. At the time my friend convinced me to make a "deserve" category because my self-confidence was virtually nonexistent and this whole list thing was, in a way, an attempt to get me to realize that I am valuable and that I 'deserve' things in a guy or relationship. Looking back that seems kinda stupid. I say kinda because a part of me still feels like I do deserve things in a relationship, but I don't want to use the word 'deserve' because I feel like that implies that I am unconditionally entitled to a guy that fulfills my 'requirements'.

Tonight Jim, Richard, and Kris talked about dating. Richard asked if any girls had lists of things they want in a guy. Several of us raised our hands (the rest of y'all are just a bunch a liars, you know you've got one). Anyway, one thing that Richard said that I'm really trying to take to heart was that instead of focusing so much on finding someone who matches our list, we should focus on becoming the kind of person that fits someone else's list.

So, here's the list I wrote with my friend (no particular order)
When you're reading this, please understand how much I've changed since I wrote this, and that it is a very personal thing to share. To be frank, I'm ashamed and disgusted by some of the things I have on here, but I wrote them, and I'm not going to pretend like I didn't, but I ask that you realize this came from an entirely different person than most of you know today.

Deserve a guy who…

1. Loves to laugh and smile/ make me laugh and smile

2. Likes to /does make me feel good about myself

3. I can be myself with

4. Makes sure that my comfort comes before his own.

5. Doesn’t make me feel embarrassed when I’m a goofball

6. Loves hugs (giving and receiving)

7. Gives me an honest answer when I ask him how my hair looks

8. Is confident enough to sing with me in the halls

9. Has a good sense of humor

10. Is courteous – holds doors open, offers jacket, etc.

11. Is some kind of artist/athlete (dedicated to something/has a life/hobbies)

12. Respects me and others

13. Respects himself

14. Makes me a better person

15. Knows what he wants to do with his life (has goals/a future)

16. Support of me in all aspects of my life

17. Has a beautiful mind (not just being smart)

18. Someone I can just be with and not have to say anything

19. Someone that’s aware of/ sensitive to my moods and feelings

20. Good conversationalist/makes me think

21. Has good hygiene

22. Is honest

23. Is considerate

24. Doesn’t want me/try to get me to change

25. 100% drug, alcohol, and unattended F, free

26. Someone I’m comfortable with

27. Can handle my parents

28. Is a good listener

29. Is friend-approved (at least certain ones)

30. Can cry in front of w/o worrying about looking gross

31. Knows how to comfort me (or gives it a good shot)

Like a guy who…

1. Likes to travel

2. Has a really cool accent (can still understand him)

3. Adventurous and likes to try new things

4. Tall with broad shoulders (swimmer?)

5. Is ‘chill’

6. Teases me in a nice way

7. Does little things to make my day brighter and life easier

8. Smells good

9. Rides a motorcycle

10. Is the first to say ‘sorry’ or admit that he was wrong

11. Smiles before he kisses me

12. Is extra thoughtful

13. Likes to cook

14. Thinks it’s cute when I do clutzy things

15. Likes to cuddle

Seriously? I can't think of a more selfish thing to do. I mean really, I made an entire list of things that I felt I "deserved" in a guy. While it's nice to think about finding someone that I'm happy with and that has at least some of the traits I listed, my relationships shouldn't be based on what I want from someone else. They shouldn't be based on my desires or distorted perception of what a guys "should be". A relationship isn't about making myself whole via someone else. If I'm not whole without someone, I can't expect to be whole with them either. I shouldn't expect a relationship to be something that I look to in order to fulfill my wants or as something that I can accept or reject according to my "standards". It's not about me.

There are still traits I find desirable in guys, but relationships are not meant to satisfy my desire for these traits or my desire to feel completed.

So a priority-check is obviously long overdue. I'm going to spend some good, quality time re-evaluating what I really do want, and rather than focusing solely on my wants and trying to find a guy who fits my description, I'm going to put more effort into making myself the kind of person that fits someone else's description while still being true to myself.

Love

I want to experience true love.
(my friend wrote this about his girlfriend)

"I found someone I call beautiful instead of hot, who I will lie next to just to listen to her heartbeat, I will stay awake just to watch her sleep... I kiss your forehead, and want to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, I love to hold hands in front of my friends, I think you' re just as pretty without makeup on, I turn to my friends and say, Thats Her whenever I see you, I'm in love."

Eat your hearts out all you Edward Cullen fans -- this guy actually exists.
And hopefully I'll find my own one day :)

Dear Gram,

You died a year ago today, at 11:50 am. I remember the chills down my spine, I remember staring at the clock, I remember feeling cold and not able to explain why. I remember saying "I love you". Those were the last words you heard me say. I remember sitting and playing guitar, holding your hand, playing cricket and cootie. I remember the old cigar box I painted. I remember helping mom cut and curl your hair. I remember how you'd fold anything and everything, even dirty clothes or napkins. I remember going to the zoo to see the geico gecko, that was the day of the first packing event I ever went to, I hope you're proud of me, I was wearing pink that day. I remember that time you sewed a smile on the stuffed animal I didn't like because I said he was grumpy. I remember you calling me pal. I remember the bear, you know which one I mean. I remember the cross, the one you were holding when you died. I remember that you don't like the smell of tuna fish. I remember how you'd sprinkle pepper on the trashcan to keep Jack away. I remember how I'd beg you to take out your front teeth, and the funny faces you'd make as I giggled. I remember looking through all those pictures and listening to your stories. Like the one about the dolls and the ladder or the time you and Anne got ticketed for jaywalking in Lakewood. I remember that one time Tasha asked you how you were doing three times because she kept forgetting she'd already asked. I remember all the calendars you gave me for my birthday. I remember your coo-coo clock. I remember all your flashlights, and your ivory pin cushion. I remember walking around the building over and over again and you'd play along as I waved around my "magic wand". I remember how you'd always say "you too" instead of the three words I so badly wanted to hear. I remember when you finally said them. I remember when they told me you were dead. I remember walking to class. I remember the woman asking me if I was Kathleen. I remember collapsing. I remember feeling like I'd never be happy again. I remember mom coming to school to pick me up. I remember driving home, wishing my hardest to wake up from a bad dream. I remember seeing you. I remember your face. I remember you weren't breathing. I remember touching your face. I remember your cold skin. I remember finally realizing that you were gone. I remember going back to school. I remember we had a substitute. We were learning how to draw Lewis-dot structures. I remember that one guy asking me if what happened was "triste". I remember crying in the hallways, surrounded by my friends. I remember going to see Ms. Lopez. I remember the white van that took you away. I remember turning the car around. I miss you every day of my life. I love you. Thank you for all these wonderful, wonderful memories; they're the best thing you could have ever given me.

I love you.

Another another update

I had a slight "derail" today. I feel guilty, but more than that I feel confident that I can move forward and continue making decisions I'm proud of.

Resent

I feel so trapped, so scared, enraged, jealous, depressed, frustrated, worn-out, forgotten, pushed aside, out of control. I don't feel like I can tell anyone what's really going on. It's not even that I don't trust people, I don't really know why I feel like I can't tell anyone. I'm terrified that they would not only judge me, but literally shun me. I can't tell. I literally cannot. It's not like I don't want to. I want to cry out more than anything right now. But I can't. I thought it'd come so far. Things were going well. I blame him. I wholeheartedly resent him. I resent that he's alive and dandy, when I feel like I'm dying a never ending death every day, over again, just to wake up and realize that sadly it wasn't a dream. I resent that he has controlled and shaped and dictated my life, while blissfully carrying on with his own. I resent him with the deepest part of my being. And I resent myself for feeling everything I just said.

Another Update on "Guilty Pleasure"

I've slipped up a couple of times in the past week, but as a whole, I'm still doing alright.
It's still hard, especially when I hear people around me saying things like "If you have good reasons and can still sleep at night, then, you know, go ahead and break the rules", "I don't follow the rules". I am determined to have more self discipline and respect for others than these people.

I never in my life thought I'd quote Miley Cyrus...

I can almost see it
That dream I'm dreaming but
There's a voice inside my head sayin,
You'll never reach it,
Every step I'm taking,
Every move I make feels

Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

The struggles I'm facing,
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down but
No I'm not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments thatI'm going to remember most

Just got to keep going
And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, cause

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

There's always going to be another mountain
I'm always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle,
Sometimes you going to have to lose,
Ain't about how fast I get there,
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It's all about
It's all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

I call it "Life". abstract? (sometimes I wish)

DLKSGJ APWEU8HP983Y326841079$%^&**& FJoihwpe g#qhr#& tgofyvbdsvuwea oiupuigECIULDSBlLHFlhdsf lkjhsHHHHFH DSLIUFHSOIPELUFfails fpah gfn :FID yp*n888np(pmgfwe)f iopw439TU7C RNQPWHIMUFIoiasdyfoe GUR GHAP*&FP HUSE PMFU%^&*hsda suhfaoO*PF&NSAOOHG8PpeH FPWAUHARLGUAIRGYP8R u(p*3WQ 7R^*%(*t rfywebj iqr#p*yrpnguhbfepw* jakfgewiygfoew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, that about sums it up.

Update on "Guilty Pleasure"

I'm still struggling with this complex I've got, but then again, it's not like I'm expecting it to be easily fixed. I'm making progress. I'm proud of what I've accomplished and resisted thus far. If you know of anything that applies to what I'm talking about, please continue to hold me accountable (my self-discipline's currently M.I.A.). I'm learning and growing. It's good for me in the long run, but it's frustraitng in the mean time.

I have too much I want to blog about, so I'll just make a list instead

Life is good.

And the more I think about how good it is, the better it gets! :)

I'm lovin' the weather

Heard the calc test is easy

I like my APEL book

He still has potential

My small group is awesome

Can't wait for Africa

Cutting my hair soon

Love my new puppy rifiki

Photography is one of the best things I've ever discovered

My friends are the best

I feel renewed, encouraged, grateful, happy, and ready to take on the world!

Reality

I live in such a protected and warped reality. In my world, I have three square meals a day, supportive parents, the best friends I could ask for, a warm bed, a first-rate education, the opportunity to travel the world; I can't imagine a life more plentiful and blessed than mine.

Today I met a sixteen-year-old boy that dropped out of high school to stand on a street corner near a freeway overpass with his brother and father, hoping to find work so they can eat. He doesn't know where his mother is, he doesn't have time to hang out with friends, he sleeps under bridges and bushes, trying to keep warm; and he very well may for the rest of his life.

Forever

She'd know what to do, what to say.
She'd comfort me.
She'd hug me, and I'd know it'd be okay
She'd make me smile
She'd be here for me
She'd listen
She'd care
But she's gone.
Forever.
Damn forever.

Dear God,

Why?

Dr. House

I was googling pictures in search of some inspiration for my photo project, and at some point wound up searching pictures for House (Hugh Laurie). I think I know what I'm going to do for my portfolio next year.

A little disappointed

I had a feeling. I heard a rumor. I saw them today. He's definately into her.

Guilty Pleasure

The other day my history teacher made some comment, I vaguely remember it was about fighter pilots and how they think rule's don't apply to them, but how that's what makes them good fighter pilots.

The more I thought about it over the next few days the more I realized how often I do the exact same thing, I think the rules don't apply to me. A part of me is ashamed, because I really don't mean it to malicious or egotistical, but that's just me trying to rationalize it. I tell myself that as long as I have good intentions and logial reasoning, it's okay. But it's not. There are tons of other people in my shoes in one way or another, are they above the rules? No, and I'm foolish to think I'm any different. But the other part of me likes it. I like the perks. I like getting what I want. I like doing what I feel like doing. It's nice to live as if I'm above the rules. In many areas of my life, I ignore them completely. I'm torn between the guilt and the pleasure of doing what I do. I've got a lot of soul-searching to do.