Procrastination

A conversation in bio got me thinking. I was talking to my lab partner about my senior project blog and how I had to censor myself so much. She asked why and I replied that much of what I have to say is inappropriate (not necessarily in a sexual way, just generally inappropriate). I'm just now starting to realize that, as obnoxious as I may be at times, that's only the half of it. I wish I didn't keep so much to myself, God knows that's only brought trouble in the past. But I feel like I have to keep things in. Even around my closest friends. I started another blog, one where I say what I really think. Not that this one is a lie. Just not all of the truth. My other blog doesn't have any angry apostrophes or vague references, it has the truth, plain and simple.

I'm sick of hiding myself.

Here it goes.

I'm insecure. That's probably so surprise to anyone who knows me. Most people who hear this about me try to comfort me by telling me I'm great and admirable and whatnot. Some others are annoyed -- the don't understand how someone as accomplished as I am can feel so inadequate. Look, I appreciate the compliments (I re-read your responses to my post "so it goes" frequently) and I'm sorry if I seem ungrateful or just plain stupid to not see all that I have going in my life, but for now that's how it is. It's not that I like feeling insufficient, I just do. It always comes back to the same thing. I know, but I don't believe. I told Harris my self-confidence is "in progress". Admitting it is a step in the right direction, no?

I'm an attention whore, too. I hate that about myself. I hate a lot of things about myself.

I'm confused. I don't know what I want in life, and I don't know how to get it. I still have times when don't feel like I'm good at anything and don't know what I'm doing with my life.

I'm a hypocrite. I know this post is all about learning not to keep things to myself, but I'm not ready to talk about this yet, and you're just going to have to accept that.

I hate that I go from being so content and positive one minute to miserable and upset the next.

I want to talk about all of this with someone, but at the same time, that's one of my greatest fears. Chances are, if you're interested in talking to me, I'm interested in talking to you. So, if you're interested, strike up a conversation and we'll see where it goes. But please don't take it personally if I shut you out, I'm weird that way.