Accomplishment

It's empowering to realize how much I can actually do when I dedicate myself to it.
Resolution: stop underestimating myself.

Priorities

For so much of my life I've let other people dictate my actions, my thoughts, my feelings, my everything. My parents, my teachers, my peers. School has been my priority for 18 goddamn years. Fuck the log. Tonight my priority was supporting my friends and watching them win matches that they have prepared for with blood, sweat, and tears. And I feel good. Actually, I feel better than good. I feel great.

another great day

Growing is scary and uncomfortable and intimidating and tough.
But it's so worth it.
I'm finally becoming the person I so badly wanted to be, and I'm damn proud of myself for it.

Things that made me happy recently

the feeling of accomplishment, poems scribbled in 3rd period, flirting, youtube videos, singing in Swahili, hardcore parkouring, nature, funny laughs, motorcycle gangs, awkward eye contact, feeling good about myself, waterfalls, paying with exact change, hot guys, and inappropriate smoothies

pretty accruate

"Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who\'s extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you, realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken."

I do love life

I read recently that the strongest relationships are based on falling in love again and again with the same person. I think the same applies to life. I fall in love with life so much it's crazy. Yeah, sometimes we fight and say thing we don't mean and do things that hurt one another, but we always come back. Simple happy faces, pretty sunsets, funny youtube videos. I am always in love with life, sometimes I just forget. But that makes remembering that much better.

unsure

I watch you cry because you don't have the money. And yet. The money's staring me in the face and I'm not sure what to do with it.

You're pretty cool

thanks for sharing your writing with me :)

Why do you want to be my friend so badly?
I'm not all that great anyway.

I ran into a lady from the church the other day. She didn't recognize me. It felt great.

Life? Are you there? Oh, good. And you can hear me? Good. I've haven't told you this lately. But I love you.

Embrace

Today was one of those days that reminds me what is really important in life.

Thank you for helping me realize that it's up to me to build my family.
You helped me realize that family isn't DNA. It's a deep relationship. It's loving and trusting people with everything in you. It's looking out, having their back. Family celebrate your happiest moments and push you through the times you just want to quit.

My small group is the most wonderfully awkward combination of individuals imaginable. We piled in the car, four in the back, almost three in the front, made about fifty wrong turns before we discovered that the restaurant didn't exist, met a fantastic old Greek man with a great vest, told inappropriate jokes, teased each other about pretty much everything, exchanged numbers in Big 5, trusted each other with our secrets, avoided eye contact with affectionate couples, stared at people in Starbucks, and ended the night with a group hug. You are my family, and I love you all more than you know.

Africa reunion. Sometimes life is just incredible. It literally wrenches my heart to hear the stories of the witchdoctors hunting albino children and the Hadzabe people starving with no harvest. Their stories brought it all back like I'd been there yesterday. I thought of Mike and Safari Steve and Mbigi and Rose. I thought about the children at Mama Lynn's and the markets in Arusha. I remember the sights and the smells and tucking in my mosquito net each night. But more than that I remember the spirit. Our last night at the Greenhouse I told the group that I had never felt so loved and encouraged in my life. And it's true. The people who went shared what stretched them and what blessed them, and each story was so heartfelt and so real. I don't know if I'm supposed to go back to Africa. I don't know if I'll get the money, but moreso I don't know if my heart is in the right place. It's not fair to the team to have a lukewarm committment. I can't go back because I feel like I should. I need to give myself physically mentally and emotionally. But what Phil always says finally makes sense. I may never go back. Phil, today you reminded me that every day is an opportunity to make a difference, to touch lives, to give a part of what I have been given. I'm overwhelmed, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Jackie, thank you for listening to my babble and understanding how I felt. I'm so renewed and refocused. Loved and encouraged.

Tonight I embraced life for what it is.
Thank you all for being my family.
Pour out to others what I hope I have poured into you.

My resolution

I feel like it's the new fad to be really deep and philosophical but at the same time cynical and depressing. I feel like it's 'cool' to be , like people who are pessimistic are oh so much more enlightened that then rest of us. I feel like people who aren't really that deep or that resilient admire those qualities in other people, but don't realize the hardship that so many of them endured that grew their resilience. I guess, I admire people of strong character as much as everyone does. But, for my own sake, I have to remind myself that playing the victim isn't as glamorous as I'd like to think.

I'm done playing the victim.
I'm done putting up the happy facade.
It's a fine line, but I'm determined to follow it.

I want to be known as the girl who took the hand she was dealt and played the best damn game you've ever seen.

Today was just plain happy.

Today was just plain happy.

I loved the short story from lit, it was a great mixture of plot and entertainment with deeper commentary and themes. The perfect middle ground I've been searching for!

I will learn my bio partner's name on Monday.

My stats teacher sang to us. (self-explanatory? yes.)

I felt better about my gov quiz than I was expecting to since I haven't read a page of the chapter (a big deal for someone who normally reads).

Then I had a driving lesson with Roosevelt.
Funniest man ever.
He called me "girrrrl" and told the greatest and most random stories.
And he said I'll have no problem passing.

Academic team was pretty typical. :)

Cassie came over later and I got to drive without one of my parents for the first time and I
1. survived
2. had a BLAST

sweet, sweet, FREEDOM!

Friday, February 5th, you were a happy day.

facebook creepin :)

sooo...i thought you should know about my family dinner out tonight...

waitress: so i see you've ordered the salmon.

me: mhmmm.

waitress: well...

*dramatic pause*

my brother (accent and all): you have got to go. 'xcuse me got a complicated order.

waitress (puzzled look on face): oh, um, actually. it's our dish of the week, i ... was wondering if you would mind filling out a survey...

my brother (still with accent): SECURRRRRRITY!

me (with look on face like NICK SHUT UP!!!!): sure...

my family...hahahahahaha...

Friends like tissues

it was nice while it lasted

Today

I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.