Fuck you. If you only knew.

So cool!

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1926289

Ever noticed that so many of the cool youtube videos and amazing musicians come from back East? Apparently this guy was just bored in his Indiana hotel room. It makes sense -- when you're bored here you go to the beach, when you're bored there you're snowed in by a blizzard. Maybe if I go to school back there I'll develop some kind of ridiculous and absurd but at the same time wonderful talent.

I have a lot to learn from you. And I think you might have some stuff to learn from me, too. Thank you for everything. :)

The Thing Is by Ellen Bass

The thing is...

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Now I can sleep

I wrote an angry, confused post a minute ago. I didn't post it. It's not for anyone but you, though I did send it to one other person. You won't mind. Because you don't know who you are anyway. You don't know I'm talking to you. And, for now, it's going to stay that way because I'm too afraid to tell you what I really think.

One day

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z50Yf7hFnhA

My friend quoted this song on his facebook a while ago, and I liked it so much that I quoted it on my blog. I didn't hear it for quite some time until recently another friend played it and I fell in love again. I know it's the same song, but I love it so much more now. I want to articulate what exactly I love so much about it, but really, my words don't do it justice. So, do me and yourself a favor, and check it out.

sometimes I lay
under the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I pray
don't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason

sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because

all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

it's not about
win or lose
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay raging

in this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because

all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

one day this all will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day

all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day

And this is why we're best friends :)

wait like sang backstreet boys?

...

homo alert
BEEP BEEP

...

he did more than just "come out" on the deck...

...

You'll know who you are

I really appreciate that when I asked you to name something I need to improve, you gave me a very honest and very insightful answer. I really appreciate that I can trust you to be honest. I value your opinion and your frienship a lot. Thanks for being so great, let's hang out more, ya? :D

Across the World

I remember when we met. We went to the movies and you laughed at all the wrong times. Good lord, your laugh. I was writing college essays with the tv on in the background and that movie came on. It's crazy to think that you're leaving so soon. I know it's been a long time since we've talked, it's both of our faults, but I'm going to miss you. Man, I'm gonna miss you. I know you're going to do great things in life, and this is just the beginning, and I'm happy for you. Keep in touch. :)

Guys suck

to a new friend:
I'm sorry I couldn't offer your more than awkward and cliche consolation. I'm sorry you guys broke up, I wish I knew what you need to hear.

to an old friend:
I'm sorry he won't get over you and leave you alone. I don't have the best track record in that department, so I don't know what to do any more than you do, but I do hope it gets better, cause I know it's getting old fast. If venting helps, I'm here for you to vent.

Last night

was incredible. thank you emilee for the invite :)

fuck it all. this is getting old.

Walk away

Sittting there. Shuts the car off. Staring at me. Why not? What's the harm? What do you mean what's the harm?! No. No. No. I don't want this. I don't want you. Thanks for the ride, see you later. Sorry. Not you. Not today, not tomorrow.

If only you could see in yourself what to me is so obvious.
You're better than that. Far, far better.
Come on, belle. I believe in you. Believe in yourself.

911

Hello? 911? Yes, I'd like to report a rape.

What is the location of your emergency?
Room E-5.

Can you describe the attacker?
It was 60 questions, really vague.

Had you seen any of these questions before?
I can't remember; it's all a blur.

And, did you know the answers to any of these questions?
No, no I did not.


Hello? 911? Yes, I'd like to report a rape.

Did you just call?
Yes, but I've been raped again.

Again? What do you mean?
After gov I went to bio.

(Me up at does)

Me up at does

out of the floor
quietly Stare

a poisoned mouse

still who alive

is asking What
have i done that

You wouldn't have

-- ee cummings

Nerd

I called you because I feel like you're the only one who doesn't judge me when I get excited over nerdy, philosophical things. Go buy the book. You know you want to. :)

Today could not have started out any worse and ended any better.

Okay, so it's an exaggeration, but whatever. That's a literary device, right? See, my log did teach me something!

I started off my day entering my 30th hour working on my log and I wasn't much closer than I'd been 20 hours earlier. I was tired, and miserable, and discouraged. I was stressed and I missed my friends.

I went to school half way through 5th period. Now, considering I have 6th off you might be asking yourself why I bothered coming at all aside from the fact that I had to turn in that wretched paper I'd been laboring over. And when I got to school I myself was wondering the same thing.

Everyone in photo was busy doing their own thing, everyone was frazzled and bustling around the classroom in a flurry. I was so emotionally drained from the past three days I couldn't do much. I was so stressed I couldn't even talk. I just shrunk back and tried to avoid conversation.

Of course that wasn't going to fly with Sarah. We studied (but really now, how much do any of us really learn when we're studying?) gov for a while, but wound up getting distracted and off topic.

Last time I was having a really shitty day James tried to draw a happy face on my hand and I realize he was just trying to make me feel better but at the time I was not having it. Today I just let him draw it, trying to stop him wasn't worth the effort. And what do you know? It made me feel better. Like, a lot better. Shoot, I'm looking at it and smiling right now.

During 6th I took my log quiz and was absolutely the happiest person alive when I saw the questions. Last log quiz I'd read books dealing with religion and the questions had to do with absolute truth. This time I read some feminist works. One, "The Awakening" deals with the main character's self-realization as a woman, as an individual, and as an artist. The first log question? What would the author give the main character for Christmas? ART SUPPLIES!!! Easy as cake. I also saw Katherine in the library. She didn't probe about where I've been, she didn't jump on me, she just gave me a huge hug. Exactly what I needed.

I ran into Kelda on my way to turn in my quiz. We walked around for a while and headed over to gov. I opened the door and was swarmed with hugs and smiles. Christina, Angie, Jessica, and Jessie were all there visiting.

My mom called pretty last-minute and told me I had an appointment to get the H1N1 vaccine and the seasonal flu shot. My arms hurt like none other (which I've never had before) but at least I won't get swine flu! Then, my mom and I spent an hour and a half at an Asian fish market buying crazy ingredients for some sauce she's trying to make. We went up and down the aisles trying to find someone who spoke English to help us find the most exotic things. Eventually we found everything we needed and got home.

My mom made a bunch of delicious cookies from some crazy recipe she found in the back of a drawer she was cleaning out. I don't know what's up with her lately but she's on a cooking spree of some kind. Baking cookies and making insane fish oil sauces, I'm anxious but simultaneously afraid to find out what's next.

So, after some serious deep breathing I started my bio homework. I finally am beginning to understand what's going on! A miracle if you ask me. But if that's not enough of a miracle Cara called me with the best stories I've heard in so, so long.

She told me how today in the ED a boy came in who'd been hit by a car. Fortunately that a man nearby called 911. After the boy was taken back the man come into the ED and talked to the nurse. He explained who he was and asked to see the boy's mother. The nurse showed him to the room where the mother was hysterical and absolutely bawling her eyes out. The man walked over to the woman, who was visibly poor, and looked at her. He took her hand and said "I don't know anything about you and you don't know anything about me, but you need this more than I do. I'll be praying for you" and placed a $100 bill in her hand and walked out.

The second story she told me was about a nurse at the hospital who was really low on cash. Low to the point that she could not afford groceries. The hospital gave her a $100 gift card for Vons. Knowing she only had $100 to buy a month of groceries she was very particular and bought only what she needed. But when she got to the register the card wouldn't go through. For an instant she wondered what she would do for food for the next month. But then the cashier, realizing the situation, rang up the groceries free of charge.

The world needs more people like them.

Today my faith in people and in God was renewed.

Oh, and another FANTASTIC, AMAZING, AND WONDERFULLY HAPPY thing happened today. But I'm not allowed to tell you about it yet. ;)

Fading

Wow. We really are going our separate ways.

"Where there is much light, the shadow is deep"

The past tense is such a horrible thing.

How sad it is that in an instant such a bright and contagiously happy girl was lost. I didn't know her too well, and I was surprised at how hard I took the news. Something about her, of all people such an outgoing person, hit home. Because there really is no difference between Veronica and any of the other people in my life. We're all human. We live, and we die. Some before others. Veronica, too soon. My heart goes out to her friends and family. It's been said time and time again that no parents should have to bury their child, but for the first time I really understand.

It doesn't feel right to speak or smile or laugh.

She had her whole life ahead of her. Graduating. College. Getting married. Travelling. Having children.

What are any of us supposed to do?

She wouldn't want us to cry or to mourn. She would want us to smile, like she always did.

So yes, we should move forward with our heads high, but we should never forget what a beautiful person she was and take with us her spirit and lessons to be learned.

Sometimes words just aren't good enough.

Blinders please?

I hate that I care so much about what you think of me. I was sitting in bed trying to study and I couldn't stop thinking about how much I annoy myself for putting so much emphasis on your opinions. Yes, you're entitled to them and yes, I do value them, but it's getting ridiculous. I started to think about reasons I shouldn't value your opinion. I started to degrade you in my mind in hopes of degrading the worth I've give your thoughts. And then I realized something; you're not the one at fault. It's not that your opinions aren't good enough; it's that I rely on them too much. The realization that I measure myself by others isn't a new one, but I need to figure it out apart from you completely.

word

"You can never tell what people are thinking and feeling unless they tell you, and usually they lie. you ask them, "whats wrong?" and they say "Nothing." You accept this because its easier than digging for the truth. People smile when they want to cry, they laugh when they want to scream and shout. They pretend like nothing is wrong because they dont want to face the truth. Things aren't always rainbows and butterflies, sometimes you gotta scream and cry your angers and sadness to the world, because you can only hold it in for so long before something in you snaps. So when you want to cry, cry. When you want to scream, scream. Dont hide behind fake smiles, its ok to not be alright."

Holy crap, you are such a cool person. I appreciate your help with all my annoying college app questions and that you took a genuine interest in my senior project. I admire and respect your eloquence and genuine, upfront, loyal, and bold personality.

I feel like everyone and their mother is telling me not to be a doctor.

The problem is, I don't know whether I should prove them wrong, or heed their warnings.

Dreams

Some days I sleep quickly, hoping my dreams will offer me some refuge, some escape.
Other days I lie awake, afraid that my dreams won't compare to reality.

He died in a tree from which he wouldn't come down. "Come down!" they cried to him. "Come down! Come down!" Silence filled the night, and the night filled the silence, while they waited for Kafka to speak. "I can't," he finally said, with a note of wistfulness. "Why?" they cried. Stars spilled across the black sky. "Because then you'll stop asking for me."

Tricky

It's funny how we appreciate things more when they don't just fall into our laps.

life. and death.

I wish people would stop leaving me.

Rest in peace, Collette. I have so many beautiful memories of you and I am so glad that you are finally free from all the pain. I love and miss you more than I could ever explain.

a little bad, a LOT good

The people who aren't "attending" the FREE HUGS thing are dumb. But actually, I don't mind. Really, I'm indifferent to them because I'll be out there in my shirt brightening someone's day and I'd much rather think about that than waste my time being upset that some people think it's a dumb idea.

I love honest, meaningful conversations.
I love dancing horribly and having a great time anyway.
I love hearing other people's opinions and perspectives.
I love people who are just happy to be alive.
I love appreciating the good things in other people.

So, time for some appreciation:

In the past week at least seven guys have held doors, offered jackets, and give up seats for me. One guy even talked to me about how he treats and respects all girls as if they're his sisters, and feels like it is his job to protect them. Trust me, I'm all about equality: I can open my own door and I can wear my own jacket, but I really really really appreciate little gestures like that, they're considerate, and it's just a nice breath of compassion and friendly gestures that I hope everyone experiences. Pay it forward.

"Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around."

Why do I need a title for this?

I think people need to learn to say "I don't know". Why do we all feel so pressured to always have the right answer to everything? Who says we have to know every little detail about every little thing? I think it takes a lot of courage and humility to say "I don't know". I really respect people who aren't afriad to admit that they don't have all the answers.

On another note...
I can't even be myself when I'm alone. How sad is that?

I'm feeling a FREE HUGS day

I know I'm guilty of doing the same thing to others, but it's annoying that when I'm upset people instantly start talking to me like I'm five.

The whole I don't want to confide in you because you know the people involved is BS. I know it. You know it. But I'm honestly okay with it. It's not like your obligated to confess your life to me, I just really wish you would stop lying to me.

I'm so pissed that "she" is applying "there". I start like seething rage every time I think about it. alkgha;lenwgau!!!! liiiiife.

Tomorrow's Wednesday, December 2nd, and I'm going to have a good day. I'm going to rock the in-clas essay, I'm going to M.E.Ch.A., I'm going to be productive, I'm going to listen to good music, and I'm going to make art.