Friend :D

I love you. You're absolutely beyond all doubt the best friend I could ever ask for. You help me through my worst times, when everyone else gives up on me. You laugh at my lame jokes and adhd moments. You probably know me better than I know myself, and you accept each and every part of me. You know my flaws, my fears, my failures, my past, and you're my friend despite all of it. You're there when I need to laugh and take my mind off of things. You don't mind that I'm a dork and like to talk in funny accents. You listen to my rants when I'm angry and my dreams when I'm optimistic. You are unique, genuine, accepting, fun, deep, thoughtful, and all around fantastic. You'll always be my original partner in crime.

Pearls before Swine

I said I hate small talk, but now that I think about it, that's not entirely true. I love small talk, it can be funny, amusing, and entertaining. But at the same time it can also be superficial, boring, and awkward. Small talk can be great depending on the situation. But I love deep conversation, the kind that is mind boggling, meaningful, challenging, interesting, the kind of conversation that bonds people together in a way that small talk never could. Times like last night, standing with a group that makes me feel like I don't belong, making awkward, stupid, pointless small talk, annoy me to no end. For the longest time I felt like it was my fault that the conversation sucked so much, I blamed myself for being so shy and uncomfortable. But today I realized that if they think I'm boring or awkward, the joke's on them, because I'll gladly bet that I can have a far more interesting conversation than they could ever have anytime, anyplace. So, yeah, maybe I'm not the best conversationalist when it comes to small talk, but then again, maybe they're just not worth my time.

Depressingly Accurate

"Under all of your smiles and happiness, you're actually a very upset person. It might be because of something in the past or a reason you aren't sure of. When you're alone too long it makes you think that others don't care. You haven't found true happiness yet, though you may have and all of the stresses of life are bringing you down. Keep looking up!"

I guess these are "supposed" to help...

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your understanding in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

meh

Today was a pretty lame day. Nothing in particular made it so "lame". Actually, looking back at different things that happened today I would've thought it to be a "good" day or even a "great" one, but it wasn't. Mostly it boils down to anxiety. I'm scared about the future. I work at a different pace and I do things my own way, but unfortunately, my pace and my way don't fit the system. So I'm supposed to learn to "deal"? Learn to "cope"? Just "get over it"? Says who? Why should I be the one to change? Sure, being flexible and having the ability to adapt are noble qualities and all, but why do I have to always be the one to change? Sure, I'm not right all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm wrong all the time, either. Throw me a bone, would ya?

I'm still really frustrated and discouraged with friendships, and really relationships in general. I don't even like him and I'm jealous. I'm jealous. There. I said it. Now what?

When you said I looked "sullen" today? When I told you I was "okay"? I lied. I'm not okay. I don't know what I am. A part of me really wants to talk to you about it. The other part wants to be as far away from you as possible. Sorry I've been so rude lately. It's nothing personal. But at the same time, it is.

Today I hate you, I hate myself, and I hate life in general.

I have to go do bio and read that poem about happiness.

Happiness?
I have such a distorted perspective of happiness, love, life in general. I don't know that I'll ever find happiness.

Today was a pretty lame day.

Things I Love

music
painting
photography
nature
good weather
volunteering
friends (as in people)
friends (as in the tv show)
stories
laughing
philosophy
reading
thinking
crossing things off lists
venting
blogging
wearing comfortable shoes
being barefoot
sleeping

today was a great day.

trivial (only not...)

I shut my phone off periodically for a lot of different reasons. Often I've just lost my phone, but sometimes I just tell my parents that so they'll turn it off anyway. I need a break sometimes, it's nice to be away from the barrage of calls and voicemails, and now (ironically enough), texting. Having a phone again after not having one for so long is a very very bittersweet thing. As convenient as it can be to have a phone, I miss it being "lost".

How are you?

When I ask someone how they're doing, I really want to know. It's typical of American culutre to expect someone to reply "I'm well, thanks. How are you?" Which is fine, if they're doing well. But please, if I ask you how you're doing, I'd really appreciate a genuine, candid answer. It's sad to think how much people can bottle things up. They're better at disguising it than you'd think.

Excuse the language?

"I hate the gay prius commercial with the plant people! Why are they running spots during football? What MAN is going to want to buy that car?"

Fuck the guy who said this.

(I can't help but think of what a wondeful example this YOUTH PASTOR is setting.)

Worth it

It's incredible how much we put ourselves through, how much we endure telling ourselves it'll be worth it down the road.

I decided I think it's worth it after all.

Sometimes I forget why.

Today I remembered.

Suspended

Everyone shared their life, their self. They were completely open, and honest, and trusting. Finally I lost the nose-goes. I told them everything. Or, as much of 'everything' as anyone's gonna get for now. The rest will have to wait. I was shaking the whole time, but they didn't pry, they didn't shrink back, they didn't judge. They listened. They really, truly listened. Not too many people do that anymore. I was shaking the entire time, the numbed callousness of it all is wearing off. I'm realizing it now, almost as if before I knew it but now I understand it. It's always a relief to let it all out like that, but this time it was different. It's disgusting who I used to be, and it's terrifying that some things are back to how they were when I was like that. But I won't go back. I refuse. I've come too far, and I'm FAR better off the way I am now. God, please give me the strength to keep on track.

Can't stop smiling

Today someone called me "the sweetest person [she] knows". She said I always have a huge smile on my face and it always makes her smile, too. WOW!! I'm seriously so happy to know that I touched someONE's life, even in the smallest way. It's moments like this that are the reason I smile as much as I do. Thank you for brightening my day. :)

It just hit me

that I won't be young forever.
(I'm scared to grow up.)

Takin' the high road

I'm proud that I made the right decision. One of the worst feelings I've ever experienced is knowing that I've disappointed someone I respect and care about. And it feels darn good to know that he won't be disappointed. Because I did the right thing.

"everything looks perfect from far away"

Thank you God for all the perfectly-timed reality checks. It's amazing how you use the people in my life to show me things about myself and the world.

Please go away

I wish you would go back; I don't like being around you. You're negative, stressful, and you smell bad.

Friendless

I feel like I don’t have any friends. I know I have friends, but knowing something and feeling something are two entirely different things. What’s difficult to explain is why I’m feeling like this. I had a wonderful time earlier today with two different groups of people, and I have great friends in both. But it’s not just tonight – I’ve been feeling lonely a lot lately. Most likely if you’re reading this you’re someone who I consider a friend or someone who considers me a friend. So please don’t take this the wrong way; I really value you and our friendship. I truly don’t know how to explain it other than: it’s not you, it’s me.

Have a nice life

At first it was difficult to let go of 11 years. I thought I wanted our friendship back. Tonight I realized I've never been more wrong in my life. I don't need you and I don't want you. Have a nice life, I'm just glad it doesn't include me.

<3

Thank you for trusting me. That thing you showed me -- I wish it only had the second half, it's heart-wrenching to see the first half. I love you.