I have the best friends. The best. You know why? They're psychic. They know exactly when I need cheering up without even knowing that they know it. They're just THAT great.

I've known all along that I joke about my life being "ashambles" because that softens the reality that it actually is. No more joking, I refuse to let my life continue in the direction it's been heading as of late. That's not who I am and not who I will be.

All I want is to hike into the forest and listen to music.

2010 was the year of life
so far 2011 is the year of growth

They don't tell you it's hard to make friends. They don't tell you that you feel lonely and small and not good enough. They don't tell you that hardly anyone gives a fuck about whether you succeed or fail and those that do are rarely on your side. They're not your allies, they're your competition -- people who want you gone because then they have one less person to worry about. It's just so hard. I've been here almost 15 weeks and I still don't know who I am or where I'm going. Things are slowly getting better, but it's wearing on me. It's wearing on all of us. Please help me find the strength I need to keep on keeping on. Please help me thrive here. Please help me get involved. Please help me find friends. Real, true, best friends. Please help me find my place and be happy.

yay classes

I definitely had a moment of disbelief and bewilderment when I refreshed the page to find that the notification had, unfortunately, not been some sort of glitch. I sat up with what felt like a thousand different thoughts flying through my head in just an instant. As quickly as they came they were gone and I stared at my computer. I sat back, still staring, and cursed aloud. I looked left, right, and cursed again, this time a little louder. I called my dad, hoping he would tell me there's some mistake, that he had mailed my housing check and received confirmation of the payment days ago. Alas, no luck. My classes were in fact gone and I was left to scavenge what unwanted units I could. I wanted to freak out, to cry, to blame someone. I had the schedule to end all schedule. Every class I wanted, all the perfect times, flawless. But as I thought about how badly wanted to break down and whine that my beautiful schedule was gone, I stopped myself. I took a deep breath and thought "Look, loosing it right now does nothing. It doesn't change the reality of the situation. It just plain doesn't help. Take this for what it is and move forward." Determined to keep my composure, I started scrolling through and registering. The classes left were not ideal and were in no way the schedule I had, but they were there and I was thankful to have them. I actually started exploring subject areas I had never considered before, scrolling through Italian and engineering and plant sciences. My schedule is nothing like before, but in the long run this is but a minor detour. I would be lying if I said I wasn't proud of how I handled the situation. When I told the story to Ari and she made a comment about how if this kind of thing had to happen to someone I'm the person because I have in it me to handle things so gracefully. I tried so hard to keep my self from beaming. I'm not sure she realized that's one of the nicest things anyone's ever said to me.