boys, boys, boys

A while back a friend and I made lists of things we found attractive in guys. Mine was divided into a "deserve" category and a "like" category. At the time my friend convinced me to make a "deserve" category because my self-confidence was virtually nonexistent and this whole list thing was, in a way, an attempt to get me to realize that I am valuable and that I 'deserve' things in a guy or relationship. Looking back that seems kinda stupid. I say kinda because a part of me still feels like I do deserve things in a relationship, but I don't want to use the word 'deserve' because I feel like that implies that I am unconditionally entitled to a guy that fulfills my 'requirements'.

Tonight Jim, Richard, and Kris talked about dating. Richard asked if any girls had lists of things they want in a guy. Several of us raised our hands (the rest of y'all are just a bunch a liars, you know you've got one). Anyway, one thing that Richard said that I'm really trying to take to heart was that instead of focusing so much on finding someone who matches our list, we should focus on becoming the kind of person that fits someone else's list.

So, here's the list I wrote with my friend (no particular order)
When you're reading this, please understand how much I've changed since I wrote this, and that it is a very personal thing to share. To be frank, I'm ashamed and disgusted by some of the things I have on here, but I wrote them, and I'm not going to pretend like I didn't, but I ask that you realize this came from an entirely different person than most of you know today.

Deserve a guy who…

1. Loves to laugh and smile/ make me laugh and smile

2. Likes to /does make me feel good about myself

3. I can be myself with

4. Makes sure that my comfort comes before his own.

5. Doesn’t make me feel embarrassed when I’m a goofball

6. Loves hugs (giving and receiving)

7. Gives me an honest answer when I ask him how my hair looks

8. Is confident enough to sing with me in the halls

9. Has a good sense of humor

10. Is courteous – holds doors open, offers jacket, etc.

11. Is some kind of artist/athlete (dedicated to something/has a life/hobbies)

12. Respects me and others

13. Respects himself

14. Makes me a better person

15. Knows what he wants to do with his life (has goals/a future)

16. Support of me in all aspects of my life

17. Has a beautiful mind (not just being smart)

18. Someone I can just be with and not have to say anything

19. Someone that’s aware of/ sensitive to my moods and feelings

20. Good conversationalist/makes me think

21. Has good hygiene

22. Is honest

23. Is considerate

24. Doesn’t want me/try to get me to change

25. 100% drug, alcohol, and unattended F, free

26. Someone I’m comfortable with

27. Can handle my parents

28. Is a good listener

29. Is friend-approved (at least certain ones)

30. Can cry in front of w/o worrying about looking gross

31. Knows how to comfort me (or gives it a good shot)

Like a guy who…

1. Likes to travel

2. Has a really cool accent (can still understand him)

3. Adventurous and likes to try new things

4. Tall with broad shoulders (swimmer?)

5. Is ‘chill’

6. Teases me in a nice way

7. Does little things to make my day brighter and life easier

8. Smells good

9. Rides a motorcycle

10. Is the first to say ‘sorry’ or admit that he was wrong

11. Smiles before he kisses me

12. Is extra thoughtful

13. Likes to cook

14. Thinks it’s cute when I do clutzy things

15. Likes to cuddle

Seriously? I can't think of a more selfish thing to do. I mean really, I made an entire list of things that I felt I "deserved" in a guy. While it's nice to think about finding someone that I'm happy with and that has at least some of the traits I listed, my relationships shouldn't be based on what I want from someone else. They shouldn't be based on my desires or distorted perception of what a guys "should be". A relationship isn't about making myself whole via someone else. If I'm not whole without someone, I can't expect to be whole with them either. I shouldn't expect a relationship to be something that I look to in order to fulfill my wants or as something that I can accept or reject according to my "standards". It's not about me.

There are still traits I find desirable in guys, but relationships are not meant to satisfy my desire for these traits or my desire to feel completed.

So a priority-check is obviously long overdue. I'm going to spend some good, quality time re-evaluating what I really do want, and rather than focusing solely on my wants and trying to find a guy who fits my description, I'm going to put more effort into making myself the kind of person that fits someone else's description while still being true to myself.