mi talento

(no puedo hacer accentos con mi computadora y por eso, este diario no los tendra)
he estado pensando en lo que quiero hacer en mi vida, una de mis amigos acaba de volver de peru donde era missionario para una iglesia en lima. unas personas de mi iglesia han vivido y servado en peru, y desde entonces pensaba en lo que puedo hacer para servar como ellos. si todos tienen talentos y debemos usarlos, cual es mio? que tengo? he pensado y rezado en eso por algo tiempo. sentando en iglesia ayer hubo una versa que dijo

De manera que, teniendo diferentes dones, según la gracia que nos es dada, si el de profecía, úsese conforme a la medida de la fe; si de servicio, en servir; o el que enseña, en la enseñanza; el que exhorta, en la exhortación; el que reparte, con liberalidad; el que preside, con solicitud; el que hace misericordia, con alegría.

por pensando he descubrido que espanol me ha llevado lejos todavia. conoci un chico en mi clase de espanol el ano pasado y llego a conocerlo y ahora viajare a africa on un grupo que su padre empezo. tambien mi iglesia hizo una clinica gratis para la comunidad aqui y muchas de las personas no hablaron ingles. fui asistente a la dentista y traduje para las personas que hablaron espanol en vez de ingles. no se cuales mas oportunidades el espanol me dara, pero estoy abierta a todos. solo quiero hacer algo (posible con espanol) para mejorar el mundo y las vidas de otras personas.

quien sabe?
posible he encontrado mi talento.

I really do like him :]

Jeremy's Analogy

by my friend Jeremy:

"so i came up with this analogy for going through life... we have a habit of falling into these holes in life and then when we get out of them we tend to want back into that hole for security and we wind up back in the same place we started...well i picture it like a battlefield and we're running to a trench where we are protected but we're running to it through a battlefield where there are bullets flying and shell holes everywhere and as we're running those bullets start to get really close and it unnerves us and scares us... sometimes we get hit... not a hit to kill but a hit to wound and we get discouraged... we start to look for an easy way out that isn't god's plan... we go for one of the shell holes where we are temporarily safe... we can dodge the bullets but we're vulnerable to bigger things like artillery shells and such... if we stay too long we'll be over run by servents of the enemy... or enemy soldiers and we'll be screwed... but if we would just keep going we'd make it to permanent safety... by choosing to hop into the closest security that is less than we would have we are just making ourselves vulnerable to worse things... so the moral is keep running! it may be difficult but there are always worse things that can overtake you and destroy you. even though those bullets are getting close keep going and don't get discouraged!"

Oh how I miss the days

We're from Nairobi,
Our team is a good one.

We've played the Watusi
They're seven feet tall.

The cannibals may eat us,
But they'll never beat us.

'Cause we're from Nairobi,
And we're on the ball.

Sing along
Sing along
Sing along
Sing along

Umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawawa.

We took six good men from Kilamanjaro,
But they didn't have what it takes.

We took all their leaders out into the jungle
And left them tied up for the snakes.

Sing along
Sing along
Sing along
Sing along

Umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawa, umgawawa.

In desperate need of a reality-check

I'm convinced I'm going to fail at life. I have straight A's. I volunteer. I go to church. I play sports. And as much as I am disgusted with myself for saying this, I honestly don't feel like any of it is good enough. I don't feel like I'm good enough. I genuinely think I will never get in to the college I want to, and I'll wind up at some school where I'm unsuccessful, or not in school at all, and that I will hate my job, or not have one. I'm disgusted with my self-consumed thoughts and fears. I'm disgusted with the fact that I've convinced myself that I have no control over these thoughts and fears. I'm disgusted with how I view myself and the world. Most of all, I resent myself and anyone or anything that has caused or allowed me to develop this perspective.

Boyfriends suck.

Boyfriens suck. The absolutely, utterly, completely suck. They are good for nothing friendship ruiners. She's not the same. She spends all her time with him. Even if she's spending time with me, which happens every couple of months, she's either calling or texting him. Our frienship is nothing now. We're not friends. She's the the girl I was friends with. She's changed. She's weak, dependent, meek, stupid, dumb, emotionless, depressing, boring, lifeless, pitiful, immature and needy. I hate it. I hate who she has become. I've tried to keep in touch, I'll go say hi or call or email every now and then. It's always the same, she either doesn't want to talk, wants to talk about her last therapy session, or wants to talk about him. Heaven forbid she asks any questions when I tell her I had an incredible time in Los Angeles, or I just aced my Spanish quiz, or I'm really frustrated with my brother, or I found out the coolest thing this morning. Heaven forbid she elaborates or tells me stories when I ask why her day was so good or so bad or what she did over the weekend. Not like I don't already know; she hung out with him. But no, she just sits on the other end of the phone, and I can hear her clicking the buttons; she's texting; she's texting him. I don't like talking to her anymore, it's worthless. Wait; I lied; she does talk about other things; she judges and criticizes and puts down other people and their relationships. Isn't that ironic. Too bad it's not funny. Aren't you just so high and mighty? Aren't you just so perfect? Well, I hope you're happy. I hope you know how much you have hurt and pushed away the people that cared about you the most. The people that helped you through it all when no one else would. The people that you shared so many happy memories with. I hope you know and see what you've done. But most of all, I hope you're happy. Because you did this to me. You did this to yourself.

Freshman Year

Just some memories :]


English -- I remember the teacher being moody and not liking me a lot. She thought I was a super conservative spoiled rich little white girl. But that's where I met Laurissa which makes the mood swings more than worth it, she's awesome and I always love talking to her because she has such an incredible perspective on life and lots of other things, she is always teaching me something new about the world, other people, and often times myself. Random memories -- on the day of silence, this one guy kept calling me a gay-lover and going around telling people I supported gays; and I accidentally talked, and I still remember him saying "see, you can't do it anyway; why don't you just give up now?" I can't forget that. Maybe I was just sensitive, but my eyes welled up a little, and I had a sinking feeling that I'd failed. But at that same instant, a girl standing next to him to him to straight up shut it and turned to me and said "it's fine". I can't really explain why this meant so much to me, but it did, so so much, and it is another thing I will never forget.

Spanish -- I had a crush on probably every guy in there at one point or another. Random memory: the day after an academic team match profe asked me in front of the whole class to spell the third person past tense of some verb, and I couldn't do it because I didn't know what third person meant, and she proceeded to announce that I was on the academic team, missed probably the easiest Spanish question possible, and we'd lost. I also couldn't translate "deaf". Still can't.

Math -- Coe. Pretty much says it all. She degraded me, called me stupid, said I didn't belong in that class, said I was a failure, and I almost let her convince me of what she was saying. Thank God I had the confidence to recognize that I was better than that and get out. I would alternate between getting a high C on a test to getting over a perfect score, averaging to a high B/low A. I got the A, and I worked my butt off for every ouce of it. "Do you see?" "Cal-CUH-later" But I changed teachers. Thank God for Mrs. S. She saved me from giving up on myself in math. I still remember getting perfect score after perfect score and feeling so accomplished and proud. I remember flirting with the guys I sat next to, and feeling sorry for the one I sat behind casue the guy in front of him was a real jerk. I wish I'd had more courage and had stood up to him. I remember that the teacher wrote in my yearbook that she was worried when I first entered her class that I was blaming someone else for my lack of knowledge, but that I had certainly proved her wrong. And that she approved of my husband. She's the one who decided David and I are married. We were bickering about something and she asked is if we knew we acted like we were married and it just sorta evolved from there. It's also where I got the nickname Senora Ahh-Day-Hey-Day when David and I were working during tutorial and I was suddenly more than excited when I realized that we both had purple pencils and yelled out "PURPLE!". Yeah...

Biology -- Ashley. Similar scene to child psych with the jumping and hugging and all. On Halloween I'd gone to Ashley's house to go trick-or-treating and I wanted to wear a toga, but once I put a wreath on my head and a belt around my waist, and with my hair, I looked like Jesus. I remember how all the lights except for the one right above me went off at once and I remember saying "wow, I really am Jesus" and laughing until it hurt. I remeber her metaphor for genes being like a pair a shoes. And those God forsaken marigras beads. I still remember Mike saying "just whatever you do, don't look at the beads, and you'll be fine." I remember that Kinky People Come Over For Good...Spaghetti. And that Mrs. S is frieghteningly good at tying knots in wet plastic things.

World cultures -- I. Hated. This. Class. It was boring, and redundant, and tedious, and technical, and I learned nothing. But I had a heck of a time plannign T-T-K day with the people I sat with. I remember she would go on rants about how long of showers people took. Her TA was pretty funny, you could hardly see his face cause his hair was always in the way. He was really sarcastic, and would just sit there and read the newspaper giving us a play-by-play stream of consciousness commentary of whatever he was reading, even in the middle of a lesson.

Child psych -- I still remember walking up to the door first period on the first day of school, and hearing a familiar voice inside the building. I opened the door and Ashley was standing there with her back turned to me. "Ashley?" "Yeah" "Ohmigosh!" followed by screaming and hugging and jumping up and down like none other. It was the first class we had together since fourth grade. That class had more busy work than I thought possible. We to a shite load of notes and always had a ton of bookwork and had to bring in current event articles, and always had random little projects like a development timeline of my life and baby diaries. They seriously should rename it like BSing 101, that's really where I learned to 'write'. We were like a family in that class. And Mrs. G always seemed like she was on some sort of trip cause she'd stand there and talk with her eyes closed, smacking her gum. And Felicity, she was so sweet. The Football game with her and Fernando was pretty crazy. She was named Felicity because when she was born and the doctor smacked her, she laughed. And that stupid effing fake baby project. I took it over a long weekend and the substitute accidentally set it on the difficult level, so I filled almost three pages front and back logging each time I had to care for it. My mom kicked me out it was so loud. I went to Ashley's and slept in the music room cause it's sound proof. Ironically, my mom dropped the baby's neck and patted to too hard that the internal computer recorded abuse, neglect, and shaken baby syndrome. My baby's name was Alejandro. And Ashley and I tried to get into the Parent Movie Morning down at the movie theatre; the wouldn't let me in. Taking him to soccer practice/game was fun. (not). I remember the Teen Parent Center. Those girls were all so sweet, and I really admired the effort they were making to be good mothers and still graduate.

PE -- Always Remember (when you make your mark on the world, watch out for people with erasers. excuses are like sewers, every street has one and they all stink, if you remember any more, please write me). Loved swim. Fell and skinned my leg all too often. Constantly switched locks with Jenn and Cassie cause this crazy girl next to us figured out Jenn's combination and stole her shirt.

I didn't make P.C. That was pretty much devastating at the time. I remember asking the coordinator why, she looked at notes from the interview and said that I was "bossy" "arrogant" and "rude" (something I will never forget)

I didn't make the soccer team. But the coach told me I had the best attitude, the greatest desire, and the strongest heart out of the whole group. That was upsetting too. (Again, unforgettable)

I found out one of my best friends was gay.

It was my first outdoor soccer season forever. I love soccer and the people I have met throught it (Emz and Cara, to name a couple), and will always be grateful that Cassie, Jenn, and Julie encouraged me to play.