Someone asked me recently to name something I dislike about myself mentally.
I said I disliked my lack of self confidence.
Which is true. I'm definatley lacking, and I definatley wish I weren't.
I feel like I constantly need someone to validate or confirm things for me, about me. I feel like I need compliments, but at the same time can't bring myself to believe them. The easiest, or at least, most tangible way to explain it would be photography. I take pictures, and I like them. I like them because I do, and all is well. But when I show them to others, it's like I'm making a part of me vulnerable to them. It seeems stupid, but I take things personally. If someone compliments one of my pictures, I smile. I feel accomplished. I feel valuable. Not just my picture, but me. It's almost like I consider the things I do (like photography) an extension of myself. Which, in a sense, they are. But when someone says something negative, or even if they don't say anything at all, I connect it to myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like somehow my pictures aren't good enough. And if my pictures aren't good enough, neither am I.
And my blog. I compare it to everyone else's. I feel like mine's stupid, boring, redundant, negative, pessimistic, and annoying while my friends' are eloquent, insightful, meaninful, honest, and reflective. I feel like my thoughts and what I have to say are worthless. I feel like I'm wasting not only my time, but yours. I feel like even if I want to write something, I'm not articulate enough to express it. I feel like I'm not good enough.
Even last year's AP test. I got a 5, but I feel like a failure. I feel like my 5 isn't really a 5. I feel like it's really a 4, but they put 5 because they felt bad for me. I feel like getting a 5 isn't good enough. It's the highest a person can score. But I fee like somehow I should have been able to be better. Better than the best. And I fell short. I feel like I should have been able to get a 6, but I didn't. And I feel like my 5 truly isn't good enough.
Any time I'm in a group or a situation with others where we all have to do the same thing I always feel like mine's the worst. Like everyone else's is better -- more artistic, more profound, more inspirational. And there's no real, or rather, no rational reason to feel the way I do, but I can't really help it.
What a distorted perspective.
So it goes.
3 comments:
"And my blog. I compare it to everyone else's. I feel like mine's stupid, boring, redundant, negative, pessimistic, and annoying while my friends' are eloquent, insightful, meaninful, honest, and reflective."
ARE. YOU. KIDDING. ME.
I'm not even "complimenting" you the way you admit that you need and want people to. I'm just telling you the plain truth. You're blogs are AMAZINGLY insightful, moving, sincere, and thought-provoking. I can't believe you'd think otherwise. -__-
And you as a person! Katie! You are amazing and beautiful, inside and out. It's not what you do that defines you, it's who you ARE. (Lol, I think I took the quote from the first Batman movie and rearranged it, XD). But seriously. You are amazing simply because you are Katie. You aren't amazing b/c you got a 5 on you APEC exam, or because you take amazing photos. You are amazing because you are YOU. Don't degrade yourself and your value to the worth of a school/AP grade, or to the worth of a photo, however beautiful it may be. You are so much more than those things. :) I can't wait till you see that for yourself.
I have self-esteem/confidence issues as well, but I'm fighting to overcome this. I believe you can too. :)
<3 you!
I read this and I yelled at my computer, "ARE YOU SERIOUS?!" Okay, I didn't yell. But I definitely said it out loud (no one's home, I'm allowed...).
Katie, I don't understand how you can compare yourself to others and constantly undercut yourself! You are a person that other people STRIVE TO BE LIKE. I understand that people who have self esteem issues say that they're not as good as anyone else. But things you said (like Jenn's quote about ur blog)--well, people say the same thing about themselves and YOU'RE the eloquent, insightful, meaningful, honest, and reflective one.
Your grade on the AP exam is not something that someone gave you because they felt sorry for you. AP graders do not CARE about the people who the tests belong to (they give people 1's, don't they? There is NO mercy when it comes to grading!). You got your 5 because you EARNED IT. And don't EVER think otherwise!
And your photos...well, everyone is protective of their work and feel that it reflects on them. When I make something that someone says would be better in a different color or stitch, or doesn't look good on someone, w/e, I get mad, because I did what I could with what I had. We shouldn't, but we do it anyway. You're not alone on that one.
It's awful to hear you degrading yourself because you seem to feel bad about things that people don't even care about. You're an amazing person, Katie, and everyone loves you. <3
"The king is enthralled by your beauty;"
Psalm 45:11a
Katie, this is my bible verse that i turn to whenever i feel like i'm not good enough, no matter what anyone says. but this is an incredible verse. The king of all kings, lord of all lords, creator of the incredible universe, creator of you loves you inside and out and is enthralled with your beauty! inside and out! I hope this helps you.
here's what i think: you are an incredible person who just shines christ's love. I strive to be more like you. Your always willing to give me a hug and take the time to ask about what is going on!
and your photography is INCREDIBLE. yours is so much better than mine and i know what it's like to show it in front of the class but if it gives you joy in your heart then who cares about other people! do something because you love it.
love you katie :)
-Emilee
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